Dirty Movies (and added later: strip clubs)

My problem is this: I just can't relax about things.

Over the years, I've become way more relaxed than I used to be. However, I have accepted the fact that I am me, and I will never be totally relaxed about stuff. I analyze, I wonder, I can't just take it as it is.

Take porn for instance. My...isn't it easy access these days? I used to have to sneak and look at my dad's mags. If I was lucky, I'd get my hands on a videotape. But you know, it was always very risky. Should my parents come home mid-viewing, I'd have to stop the tape, rewind it, put it back in the box, and back in it's hiding place. That's lots of work. Now, aren't we lucky that all we have to do is click the little x at the top of the screen if someone walks in? Thank God for pop-up blockers, too. (have you ever tried to close out of a site and then a thousand other naked body sites pop up! Geez!)

Back then, and I'm talking high school, I didn't feel much guilt about viewing porn, the little that I saw. I was a virgin until I was 19, and I was soooo curious about the whole thing. I remember that I could not BELIEVE that "it" went ALL THE WAY IN THERE! (I had previously thought just the tip did). I still use material from the very first porn I saw. It's funny how that burns on your brain like that, the first porn you see. Back then, even a slight hint of soft porn would turn me on. Funny how it usually doesn't do much for me now.

These days, most of the curiosity is gone, b/c you know, I've done a lot of it, heh. Done it, seen it, felt it, etc. Everyone is different I'm sure, but for me, I have to be in a certain mood to want to look at porn. It's not often. I'd say maybe on average once a month I'll get on the computer and look for stuff. It's once in a rare and dirty mood. But once I find it and I'm done with it, so to speak, I'm not in the mood for a good while. And mind you, all I look at are the free clips which are like 10 seconds of dirtiness that I have to watch over and over again, ha ha.

I had one of these moods the other day. Now, here are some reasons I will never be able to fully enjoy porn, and so probably wouldn't want to view it every day:

1) There's the guilt....the overall feeling that it isn't right, that it's over the top dirty, filthy even, and that, I don't know, it's a sin? Very unholy, it seems. I don't feel that way when I interact, even in the dirtiest way, with my husband. But porn is different.

2) Related to #1: So while I'm watching it I get lost in the moment and I'm turned on and think OOH YEAH that is so hot and I get caught up in the fantasy, etc., etc. But when it's all said and done, I can't get past the human element of it.

I mean, these are actual people fucking on camera for everyone to see. What's wrong with these people? What happened to them in their youth to make them want to show their vagina close up with a big huge dick in it, and not once, but over and over with many different dicks?

We were all babies once, and so were they. They are someone's baby. Their mommy & daddy would be so proud. What happened to them?

I try to tell myself that these are just women who really enjoy fucking and are dirty about it and get off on it and want people to see it and want to make some cash. Maybe that's the case with some of them. Maybe a lot of them. I've read articles on Jenna Jamison and I am convinced that she really loves her profession and has power and control over her situation (although she does have a fucked up past, as I recall).

But I can't help but feel the exploitation of the other women, even the ones who voluntarily do it, which I guess is almost all of them. I guess they want to...but something doesn't seem right...that they are putting themselves out like that...that they are screwing so many men and so many of us are paying to watch them get screwed.

And I'm sorry...but every once in a while, it looks like they are NOT enjoying it. Esp the ass fucking ones by gigantico penises. The women start screaming in pain trying to pass it off as pleasure, but I can tell they are hurting. I don't like those type. They do nothing for me and I in fact worry about it.

A common scenario I keep running into is one like this: Guy With Huge Dick is making a living going around enticing very young women to fuck him on camera for the first time. It starts out with a little conversation "you're shy, aren't you?". "(giggle), yes!" Then her clothes come off, then he's fingering her. "ooohh...you're so tight and wet" then she's sucking him, then he's fucking her. And there's clip after clip after clip of same guy saying the same thing and screwing all these women. Ewww...what a creep.

Then I worry about the women....are they really allowing themselves to be exploited on camera like that? Probably not..it's probably all an act and they've probably done it many times before and it can't be their first time. Who knows.

As far as the men involved in porn...well...I don't know. Even the cute ones, which are rare, btw, seem creepy to me. I have to not think about the actual people when I want to get turned on. But then when I'm done being turned on, I always feel a little guilty about the whole thing.

Yep...I know. I'm doing this all wrong. I'm not supposed to put a face and a personality behind the porn. I'm not supposed to think so hard about it. It's just a fun way to entertain yourself...it's a turn on, humans like to be turned on and to watch...there's nothing wrong with nakedness and penises and vaginas...and these people do it of their own free will (obviously...there are exceptions and obviously if it's forced then it's wrong, no doubt about it). And some people make lots of money from it and maybe they really do enjoy it.

But...why does it bother me so much? Why do I make it so personal? Am I wound too tight? Or is porn really morally wrong?

I should add to that last question by saying that I do NOT think it should be illegal or anything like that. I know there is a market for it and people like it, both the people in the profession and the people who pay to watch it...just like gambling and drinking and strip bars...not the greatest or proudest of moments for people but it's part of our culture that I don't think should be governmentally controlled. If grown people want to be pervs and addicts, I think it's mostly their pregoative as long as they don't hurt anyone or commit crimes b/c of their vice.

No, I'm trying to sort out my own feelings of morality on the subject, whether I think it's right for me. I sincerely worry to a degree about these women and what they are subjecting themselves to. If I knew 100% sure they liked what they did and wanted me to watch, I think I'd enjoy it more. Guess I better watch more Jenna Jamison.

(and now I wonder....does the possible exploitation, even the facade of it, turn me on, more so than someone who is willingly and lovingly doing it, like Jenna? And is *that* what makes me feel so bad afterwards, knowing that I'm turned on by exploitation?)

Hell...maybe I'm the only woman in the whole world who gives porn this much thought. Who knows. Sometimes I wish I was a guy and I could just jerk off to some tits on the computer screen and quickly forget about the whole thing afterwards like you're supposed to do.

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(I'm adding this on after reading Eileen's comment. My comment back to her turned into another post all on its own.)

So, I have briefly played with the idea of making money off of sex. Briefly. Very briefly. I watched one of those real sex shows you were talking about Eileen, and this couple broadcast their sexual activity on a web cam and people had to pay to see it. According to them, they were able to quit their day jobs and they made more than 50k a year from it, or something like that.
Being that I don't love my current job, this made me think about it. Let me just say that this couple was not attractive. Not to be mean, but they just weren't. They weren't ugly, but I wouldn't pay to watch them.

So M & I aren't bad looking or at least we're in shape, and I think we're damn good at sex, and I was thinking, heck, we could make lots of money from this. We should totally do it!
But damn, there are so many reasons NOT to. Okay, yeah, parents, family, friends...yeah...some things are just private. And now I have a son, so forget about it.
Plus, I've never been one for whoring myself out, in any fashion. It was bad enough when I felt used by a few pricks I was with in college. Back then I thought, hell, I should charge for this and I'd make some money from it at least, if these pricks don't want an actual relationship. But...of course I couldn't for all the reasons you can guess, on top if it being illegal.

I more seriously toyed with the idea of working in a strip club when I was in college. I was poor then, and I thought, what an easy way to make money. But those same issues popped up: what if my dad stopped by that strip bar. Ugh! Also, how would it make me feel about myself? Do I want these dirty old men gawking at me?

And that's the other thing...when I had the strip bar fantasies, I envisioned myself dancing Demi Moore style: Choreographed and costumed and really cool, and dancing for attractive middle to upper class men who had lots of tips for a young college girl like me. The reality of it would be more like this: I'd rub up and down against a pole a little bit in just a g-string, probably drunk off my ass, while disgusting, drunk old fat bald losers stared at my tits and crotch. Yuck. Or...groups of college frat guys would make a mockery of me and objectify me. Which of course, I'd be objectifying myself maybe.

I don't know...I don't think I had quite the self-esteem to be a stripper. I can see the potential for a lot of power in that situation. The women are really exploiting the men. It's easy money. The men are so sex crazed and stupid. The women are really good at making the men believe that they are so into them...that the show is for them and them alone. But they really just want their money. It's not personal. So they shake their ass a little and rub their crotch in your face, and they make lots of money just from doing that.

In any case...it didn't fit my personality. I could never do something like that myself, although I admire some women that can. I pity others.

It's hard for me to understand where lines should be drawn. Men like to look at naked women. There is a demand. Women supply that demand. Actually, the supply is low...*most* women are not getting naked for men in public (or at all? Heh). That is why strip clubs can charge so damn much for everything b/c that's about all the supply these high demand men are getting. So they pay to see the naked bodies, and/or to have the naked bodies rub and gyrate on them (lap dance).

But there is also a demand for sex, too, and worry free, no strings attached sex. There's a small supply of that. It goes from being naked, to rubbing crotches and tits on men, to all out fucking (prostitution). Where is the line?

And don't fool yourself into believing that there isn't a lot of rubbing going on in strip clubs. I have guy friends who have told me stories about lap dances. One guy asked the stripper in a lap dance what all he could do, and she said he could do anything but penetration with fingers or otherwise. So...he French kissed her during the lap dance, sucked her nipples, and she mouthed his cock through his pants! And this was not a slimy guy either, but a married, upper middle class, professional man!

Why he'd want to kiss on a skanky stripper who must do that all day with various men, I don't know, but I somehow felt offended or irritated by the whole thing, as in, what if they do that to my husband in his infrequent visits? Should it bother me? It's not like he's going to love these women or leave me for them. And they are not going to start calling my house either b/c it's not an affair, but a business. But still, I don't want other women's lips on my man's crotch! I just don't!

I went to strip clubs in New Orleans, and got a lap dance. Of course, I'm a woman so that might make things a little different, not sure, but by the end of the evening, the girl I got a lap dance from wanted to take me to the VIP room where she promised to take my shirt off and make out with me! For $200! Isn't that sort of prostitution? Does she do that with men, too?

Heh...and I believed she really liked me, and me alone, like we had a connection. She was really good..I was totally duped. And totally drunk. Thank goodness my more sober husband did not pay the 200 bucks. We went back to the hotel and, well, let's just say we had our own VIP room going on. For free.

BTW Eileen - that Real Sex show? I'd rather not see most of the people on that show have real sex. Which makes me think I must want to watch fake sex...actors in porn with nice bodies. Real people sex is just not pretty sometimes. :)