Our 14-year old cat Pumpkin is sick. She has hyperthyroidism. She isn't acting too sick yet, like you would imagine a sick cat acting. The worst symptom is that she is literally bone thin. At her healthiest peak years ago she weighed 14 pounds, and was a tad overweight. Now she weighs a measly 8.6 pounds. She is so thin, that she can fit through the bars of our baby gates (we still have 2 up, a) to keep Ballou out of the cat food room [it has a little cat door in it] and b) to keep all animals out of Jude's room.)
A cat's heart rate at rest should be around 120-150. At its most excited it could get up to 200. Her heart rate was almost 300 at the vet!
After her thyroid test, they told me normal levels would be 0.8 to 4.0. Hers was 10.8. So yeah, she's sick.
The poor kitty is hungry all the time, but has a hard time eating. She can't sit still long enough to eat, and then some of the time she eats so fast, she quickly regurgitates it. And this whole time that I noticed she was losing weight, I kept thinking, "but she's so active! Look at her! She can't be sick!", but really, it was just her over-active thyroid making her spaz out.
The three options:
1) Iodine shot - $1500
- At the local university, not the vet. She would be radioactive for a couple of weeks, so would have to stay there for that long while guys in space suits took care of her.
**Pros - It's a sure shot cure, like, pretty much 100%.
**Cons - The price. Also, she's old, and I don't like the idea of stressing her out further. She's a stressed out cat with strangers as it is, and I just don't like the isolation space suit idea. And although they said the radioactivity would be out of her system in a couple of weeks, radioactivity sorta concerns me since I am pregnant. Also, dealing with the local university vet school is a pain for various reasons.
2) Surgery - $350-$400
-At the vet. They would remove the nodules from her thyroid.
**Pros - Less expensive, not a complicated surgery, not too invasive, she would be home the same day and back to her normal self in 2 days or less. All of her other tests came back normal, so even though she is old, she is healthy enough to do this. They have a good success rate with this method.
**Cons - Although there is a high success rate, it also may not work. There is a chance that the nodules could come back. However, it wouldn't be right away; it'd be years, so either she'd have passed away from old age by then, or we could just put her on meds (see below).
3) Medicine - $35 a month
- A swab of solution you put on her ear twice daily
**Pros - Completely non-invasive, cheaper in the short-term, less stress on Pumpkin
**Cons - Time-consuming...are we really going to have time for this, especially once two more babies come? We barely remember to give Ballou her heart worm medication, and that's just once a month. Plus, we have to go to a special pharmacy for it, which is totally inconvenient, both the location and the service. I've used them before. Less stress for Pumpkin, but more stress for us.
Plus two more options that the Vet did not mention, but which exist nonetheless:
4) Do nothing.
The problem with this is that she is going to get worse, and aside from the obvious cruelty, there is also the high chance that she is going to start peeing all over our house. This is one of the side effects of this disease.
5) Put her to sleep.
I would do this over #4. It's not a bad solution. She is 14 years old after all. However, I just feel like if you choose to accept the responsibility of owning a pet, you can't just dump them off or kill them, even humanely, b/c they have become inconvenient for you. If it was going to be thousands of dollars, sure, we have to be realistic. But we can handle a few hundred dollars, I think. Not my ideal way to spend money, but again, I think we should accept our responsibilities when it comes to pets.
An interesting coincidence is that our cat Scamper died when I was pregnant with Jude. He just suddenly dropped dead though (we think a brain tumor or stroke), and I hate to overuse this word, but I mean, literally, he just suddenly dropped dead. In so many ways, that was easier. I was sad to see him go and it was a bit of a shock, and I still miss him, but what an easy way to die. He did not suffer that we know of, and we did not have to make any hard decisions, nor spend much money.
Matt and I jokingly theorize that the pets sense I'm pregnant and they get stressed, making them sicker. Can't they just be happy for me? ;-)
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Too Many Blogs
In trying to compartmentalize my life, I somehow got myself into a blogging frenzy that's quite time-consuming (well it would be, if I kept up with them all), and tedious. I'm making things more complicated, I'm afraid.
My Four Blogs:
1) Procrastination Station - I like to use this blog to basically "go to town", to say what I want w/o thinking much about it, w/o thinking of hurting people's feelings, or without thinking about my mom gasping at what I say. It's kinda funny I have an audience at all. Most of the people that read this are people I have met online, through other blogs and forums. I do have 1 or 2 real life friends that read this, or at least know about it.
2) The Chronicles of Jude - Obviously, to write all about Jude
3) 2 Peas in a Pod + Jude - I have not made this public yet, but this is my blog about my current twin pregnancy. I give progress reports, including weight changes and belly pics. It's just a personal journal, so would probably be boring to anyone but me. I go into great detail on my thoughts, and get personal about gas and boobs and other fun topics to talk about when you are pregnant.
4) 2 Peas in a Pod + a Green Bean - The above 3 are on Blogger.com. This one is in our local newspaper, the online version. It's different from #3 in that I have a more public audience (well, theoretically...I don't think I really have one yet) that I must think about when I write, which means I can't get too long-winded, too boring, or too personal (although I've already mentioned that my farts smell like roses on that blog).
I think the main problem is with Blog #1..this blog, in fact. Why so secretive? Do I have something to hide? I already and purposely don't spend a lot of time bitching about family and friends. I guess....what if I want to talk about sex like I did on the porn post...some of you would find that interesting...but my mom? Other friends? Not sure.
I probably should just be myself. I think I should write what I want within reason, and my mom and others will have to learn how to deal. That's what real writers do, right? They write books with questionable content but they don't think, "Oooh..I shouldn't put this in here b/c what if Mom sees it. I don't want her to see me using the word 'Fuck'".
So I should just make this one known to my family and forget about it. Of course, that would mean I'd have to delete this post, b/c my mom wouldn't like me talking about her like this.
That still leaves me with 3 other blogs. I like having the separate Jude blog to keep all of that in one place, although I could just as easily tag the Jude entries on this blog if I wanted to keep track of them all. The the two Peas blogs...I really need those two to be separate. There is a lot more detail I want to keep track of than what I want to put on the local newspaper blog. And I don't want to quit doing the local newspaper blog b/c it makes me feel important, even though no one reads it.
I guess I'm right back where I started then with four blogs.
My Four Blogs:
1) Procrastination Station - I like to use this blog to basically "go to town", to say what I want w/o thinking much about it, w/o thinking of hurting people's feelings, or without thinking about my mom gasping at what I say. It's kinda funny I have an audience at all. Most of the people that read this are people I have met online, through other blogs and forums. I do have 1 or 2 real life friends that read this, or at least know about it.
2) The Chronicles of Jude - Obviously, to write all about Jude
3) 2 Peas in a Pod + Jude - I have not made this public yet, but this is my blog about my current twin pregnancy. I give progress reports, including weight changes and belly pics. It's just a personal journal, so would probably be boring to anyone but me. I go into great detail on my thoughts, and get personal about gas and boobs and other fun topics to talk about when you are pregnant.
4) 2 Peas in a Pod + a Green Bean - The above 3 are on Blogger.com. This one is in our local newspaper, the online version. It's different from #3 in that I have a more public audience (well, theoretically...I don't think I really have one yet) that I must think about when I write, which means I can't get too long-winded, too boring, or too personal (although I've already mentioned that my farts smell like roses on that blog).
I think the main problem is with Blog #1..this blog, in fact. Why so secretive? Do I have something to hide? I already and purposely don't spend a lot of time bitching about family and friends. I guess....what if I want to talk about sex like I did on the porn post...some of you would find that interesting...but my mom? Other friends? Not sure.
I probably should just be myself. I think I should write what I want within reason, and my mom and others will have to learn how to deal. That's what real writers do, right? They write books with questionable content but they don't think, "Oooh..I shouldn't put this in here b/c what if Mom sees it. I don't want her to see me using the word 'Fuck'".
So I should just make this one known to my family and forget about it. Of course, that would mean I'd have to delete this post, b/c my mom wouldn't like me talking about her like this.
That still leaves me with 3 other blogs. I like having the separate Jude blog to keep all of that in one place, although I could just as easily tag the Jude entries on this blog if I wanted to keep track of them all. The the two Peas blogs...I really need those two to be separate. There is a lot more detail I want to keep track of than what I want to put on the local newspaper blog. And I don't want to quit doing the local newspaper blog b/c it makes me feel important, even though no one reads it.
I guess I'm right back where I started then with four blogs.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Discovering the Main Differnece Between a Boy and a Girl
This is one of those types of stories where I have nowhere else to post it but here; a more public forum would never do. It's in the TMI category, but usually TMI=hilarious to me, especially when it's about me. Most people who read this blog know this about me, so I really cannot feel sorry for you for continuing to read this. :)
==========================================================
It happened. My son noticed that I don't have a penis.
He knows I'm pregnant, and knows my belly will get bigger, as it is already.
Last night I had my night shirt/pajamas on (like a t-shirt pajama thing), and I don't wear underwear with my pajamas (see...the TMI has already started...I just cannot stand underwear when I sleep...too constrictive).
So he lifts up my pajamas to check out the progress of my belly, which he does check out my belly, but then the following conversation ensues (after I'm fully covered again, btw):
Jude: You don't have a penis!
Karla: Yep, you are right!
Jude: What do you have then?
Karla: A vagina.
J: A vagina?
K: A vagina.
J: A vagina?
K: A vagina. Boys have penises, girls have vaginas.
J: Why???
K: Because that is just the way we are made.
J: Why???
K: Because we just are.
J: Why???
K: Because that is the way Mother Nature made us.
J: Why???
K: Well, that is just how we fit together.
J: Fit together???
Oops...not quite ready for that conversation yet. But luckily, he gets distracted in my hesitation and moves on. But, he remembers what he saw, because later...
Before bed I help him go potty, and as he is pulling his undies back on, he declares:
"I don't have hair on my balls like you do."
==========================================================
It happened. My son noticed that I don't have a penis.
He knows I'm pregnant, and knows my belly will get bigger, as it is already.
Last night I had my night shirt/pajamas on (like a t-shirt pajama thing), and I don't wear underwear with my pajamas (see...the TMI has already started...I just cannot stand underwear when I sleep...too constrictive).
So he lifts up my pajamas to check out the progress of my belly, which he does check out my belly, but then the following conversation ensues (after I'm fully covered again, btw):
Jude: You don't have a penis!
Karla: Yep, you are right!
Jude: What do you have then?
Karla: A vagina.
J: A vagina?
K: A vagina.
J: A vagina?
K: A vagina. Boys have penises, girls have vaginas.
J: Why???
K: Because that is just the way we are made.
J: Why???
K: Because we just are.
J: Why???
K: Because that is the way Mother Nature made us.
J: Why???
K: Well, that is just how we fit together.
J: Fit together???
Oops...not quite ready for that conversation yet. But luckily, he gets distracted in my hesitation and moves on. But, he remembers what he saw, because later...
Before bed I help him go potty, and as he is pulling his undies back on, he declares:
"I don't have hair on my balls like you do."
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
But I repeat myself...
I always wonder what people mean by saying "again" before allegedly repeating themselves.
Example:
You are discussing with another person the ins and outs of something, or discussing how to do something, or you are brainstorming, or something similar, especially say in a work situation - a more formal conversation.
You ask a question, or bring up an idea.
The other person replies with:
"Again, you really need to consider points A, B, and C before making this decision" ... or just, "Again"...and any point after that....with a strong emphasis on Again.
I think one would say "again" in this fashion for one of two reasons:
1) You know you are repeating yourself, or you are unsure whether or not you are repeating yourself, and you want to acknowledge that you are or may be repeating yourself, and that's exactly what you do, acknowledge the repeat, when you say "again". So then the person you are conversing with won't think , 'yeah yeah, you already said that...don't you know you said that?". By saying "again", you are saying you know you already said that, but you have some good reason to say it a second time.
2) You are being a condescending prick by basically saying, "Are you not listening? well, b/c you asked me already before and I have already given you the answer, let me let you know that I am unnecessarily repeating myself by saying 'Again'."
I think I've used "again" before like this, and I think I started out using it for reason #1, but ended up feeling like I was inadvertently using it for reason #2.
Again, I wonder about this. These are the types of mindless things I wonder about in my spare time.
Example:
You are discussing with another person the ins and outs of something, or discussing how to do something, or you are brainstorming, or something similar, especially say in a work situation - a more formal conversation.
You ask a question, or bring up an idea.
The other person replies with:
"Again, you really need to consider points A, B, and C before making this decision" ... or just, "Again"...and any point after that....with a strong emphasis on Again.
I think one would say "again" in this fashion for one of two reasons:
1) You know you are repeating yourself, or you are unsure whether or not you are repeating yourself, and you want to acknowledge that you are or may be repeating yourself, and that's exactly what you do, acknowledge the repeat, when you say "again". So then the person you are conversing with won't think , 'yeah yeah, you already said that...don't you know you said that?". By saying "again", you are saying you know you already said that, but you have some good reason to say it a second time.
2) You are being a condescending prick by basically saying, "Are you not listening? well, b/c you asked me already before and I have already given you the answer, let me let you know that I am unnecessarily repeating myself by saying 'Again'."
I think I've used "again" before like this, and I think I started out using it for reason #1, but ended up feeling like I was inadvertently using it for reason #2.
Again, I wonder about this. These are the types of mindless things I wonder about in my spare time.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
New Post...
...to get rid of the word "shit" in some people's blog feeds, heh. Sorry 'bout that.
This was from something I posted yesterday...a complaint of a personal nature...that I decided was too personal and so I deleted it. Although the title of the post was Shit Drunk Love, I can assure you it had nothing to do with *me* being drunk. ;-)
This was from something I posted yesterday...a complaint of a personal nature...that I decided was too personal and so I deleted it. Although the title of the post was Shit Drunk Love, I can assure you it had nothing to do with *me* being drunk. ;-)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Notes To Self
1) Never do that thing where you take one normal self-photo with somebody else, and then you take take one "goofy" photo right after that, and then post them all online.
This is petty, but people do that on Facebook all the time. Here is my theory: It's funny if you do it once, maybe twice, but totally randomly. If you do at every photo op and on purpose and staged, it loses it's flair.
I remember the first time I saw a friend of mine do this. In the first series of photos she posted, there was a picture of her and a friend, a cute, smiling picture, and then the next picture was a goofy face picture. "Aw, how cute! So funny and spontaneous! Ha ha!", I thought.
And now, on every series of photos of she posts, there are 1-5 photos that follow this pattern - smiles, then goofy, and all in that self-portrait style where you hold the camera yourself, so it's an extreme close-up of a goofy face.
I just looked at someone else's profile, and she did the same thing in her albums. On every photo. No, I mean every photo. One sweet smile followed by one goofy. And seriously contorted face tongue sticking out goofy. And she was making the same face in every photo. And I don't know this girl...a friend was linked to her photo...heh. FB stalking. Anyway...
Instead of spontaneous goofiness, I can hear it going like this:
"Let's take a picture of ourselves! Here we go!"
(holds camera up)
(they both smile)
"Okay, now let's make a goofy face. Wouldn't that be fun?"
(holds camera up)
(goofy face ensues)
(giggles)
(look at goofy face on screen)
(hysterical crack up)
So what is my problem anyway? Hell, I don't know. I'm just calling it as I see it. It looks stupid to do it over and over again. That is, if you are 35 years old. Teenagers and kids are allowed these things.
2) Never touch my privates in public.
I was driving down the road today, because that is usually what we drive down, and I see this pretty good looking kid, a potential incoming freshman, "adjust" himself, while walking beside his mom.* I don't mean just quickly touching himself, but a full-on, all out adjustment. His hand was down there forever, and he was aggressively moving his junk all over the place. And like I said, he was a good looking kid in nice clothes with a normal looking mom. Are these things really not frowned upon by anyone else but me?
*I know this was a freshman and his mother b/c the next few weeks are "Days on Campus" here at the college, where new h.s. graduates visit the college with their parents to see if they want to attend, so kids and parents are everywhere. I mean, maybe it wasn't his mom, but a guardian, but it doesn't matter. She looked very mom-like, and then I wondered if I look mom-like, too. The moms all have this same look about them...
Jude is new to underwear right now. He has been touching himself a lot. It's a new sensation for him. But he's two. I am working on figuring out how to teach him to not touch himself except for in private, w/o making him think this is a dirty and gross thing, his penis, b/c I want him to have a healthy sexual attitude and to NOT feel shame. Maybe some moms never get around to explaining these things for this reason, and then men end up grabbing themselves in public until they die.
3) Drive closer to the car in front of me.
I won't really do that, but this happens to me a lot: I try to leave a reasonable amount of space between me and the car in front of me. I think you should leave more space than people want to, especially when going 60 mph. Invariably, someone in the other lane always decides that my safe space would be a perfect fit for their vehicle.
That happened this morning. And I knew she was going to do it. You know, you can just tell. It's like the car exhibits the driver's emotions.
So she zoomed over in my safe space, wherein I was forced to back off and leave another safe space. (but I always stay there for a second, to show them just how close they are, as if they give a shit. I sort of pretend I didn't even notice that they got in my space, and then suddenly, hell, there they are!)
And if *that* wasn't bad enough....I mean, I actually can handle it if they then keep up with traffic. I'd rather have them in front of me than tailgating me. But as if that wasn't bad enough, she starts driving very slowly while looking down at something. At first I thought, make-up. But then I realized it had to be - texting. So she got in the left "fast" passing lane...to hurry up and get distracted and slow down, to text.
She was going about 45-50 I'd say (in a 55), and was way, way behind the car that was in front of her, that used to be in front of me. So, going against my mantra from the other day of not ever reacting again at drivers, I honked at her. Not a long, obnoxious honk. Just a little beep to let her know she was holding up traffic.
She looked up at me, but kept going the same speed until we stopped at a red light. Then when it turned green, she took off really fast, way ahead of me. Ha ha!
My theory on that is that she wanted to act cool as if she didn't care and was going to do what she wanted. But then she knew she was an ass wasn't paying attention and deserved the honk, and went ahead and took off.
I wasn't really mad at her, per se...it's just a little ridiculous to block traffic so you can text. And dangerous! So really, my real note to self should be:
4) Don't text and drive.
Which I never do. I rarely text as it is.
5) Consider the environment
Someone sent directions today for my boss. At the end of the text in the Word file, it said:
So, I thought about the environment for about 30 seconds, and then I pressed print.
I am all for the environment, and I like the message, but my boss needed the directions in hand, in a file, per his instructions. Boss =1 , Environment = 0. Sorry Environment.
This is petty, but people do that on Facebook all the time. Here is my theory: It's funny if you do it once, maybe twice, but totally randomly. If you do at every photo op and on purpose and staged, it loses it's flair.
I remember the first time I saw a friend of mine do this. In the first series of photos she posted, there was a picture of her and a friend, a cute, smiling picture, and then the next picture was a goofy face picture. "Aw, how cute! So funny and spontaneous! Ha ha!", I thought.
And now, on every series of photos of she posts, there are 1-5 photos that follow this pattern - smiles, then goofy, and all in that self-portrait style where you hold the camera yourself, so it's an extreme close-up of a goofy face.
I just looked at someone else's profile, and she did the same thing in her albums. On every photo. No, I mean every photo. One sweet smile followed by one goofy. And seriously contorted face tongue sticking out goofy. And she was making the same face in every photo. And I don't know this girl...a friend was linked to her photo...heh. FB stalking. Anyway...
Instead of spontaneous goofiness, I can hear it going like this:
"Let's take a picture of ourselves! Here we go!"
(holds camera up)
(they both smile)
"Okay, now let's make a goofy face. Wouldn't that be fun?"
(holds camera up)
(goofy face ensues)
(giggles)
(look at goofy face on screen)
(hysterical crack up)
So what is my problem anyway? Hell, I don't know. I'm just calling it as I see it. It looks stupid to do it over and over again. That is, if you are 35 years old. Teenagers and kids are allowed these things.
2) Never touch my privates in public.
I was driving down the road today, because that is usually what we drive down, and I see this pretty good looking kid, a potential incoming freshman, "adjust" himself, while walking beside his mom.* I don't mean just quickly touching himself, but a full-on, all out adjustment. His hand was down there forever, and he was aggressively moving his junk all over the place. And like I said, he was a good looking kid in nice clothes with a normal looking mom. Are these things really not frowned upon by anyone else but me?
*I know this was a freshman and his mother b/c the next few weeks are "Days on Campus" here at the college, where new h.s. graduates visit the college with their parents to see if they want to attend, so kids and parents are everywhere. I mean, maybe it wasn't his mom, but a guardian, but it doesn't matter. She looked very mom-like, and then I wondered if I look mom-like, too. The moms all have this same look about them...
Jude is new to underwear right now. He has been touching himself a lot. It's a new sensation for him. But he's two. I am working on figuring out how to teach him to not touch himself except for in private, w/o making him think this is a dirty and gross thing, his penis, b/c I want him to have a healthy sexual attitude and to NOT feel shame. Maybe some moms never get around to explaining these things for this reason, and then men end up grabbing themselves in public until they die.
3) Drive closer to the car in front of me.
I won't really do that, but this happens to me a lot: I try to leave a reasonable amount of space between me and the car in front of me. I think you should leave more space than people want to, especially when going 60 mph. Invariably, someone in the other lane always decides that my safe space would be a perfect fit for their vehicle.
That happened this morning. And I knew she was going to do it. You know, you can just tell. It's like the car exhibits the driver's emotions.
So she zoomed over in my safe space, wherein I was forced to back off and leave another safe space. (but I always stay there for a second, to show them just how close they are, as if they give a shit. I sort of pretend I didn't even notice that they got in my space, and then suddenly, hell, there they are!)
And if *that* wasn't bad enough....I mean, I actually can handle it if they then keep up with traffic. I'd rather have them in front of me than tailgating me. But as if that wasn't bad enough, she starts driving very slowly while looking down at something. At first I thought, make-up. But then I realized it had to be - texting. So she got in the left "fast" passing lane...to hurry up and get distracted and slow down, to text.
She was going about 45-50 I'd say (in a 55), and was way, way behind the car that was in front of her, that used to be in front of me. So, going against my mantra from the other day of not ever reacting again at drivers, I honked at her. Not a long, obnoxious honk. Just a little beep to let her know she was holding up traffic.
She looked up at me, but kept going the same speed until we stopped at a red light. Then when it turned green, she took off really fast, way ahead of me. Ha ha!
My theory on that is that she wanted to act cool as if she didn't care and was going to do what she wanted. But then she knew she was an ass wasn't paying attention and deserved the honk, and went ahead and took off.
I wasn't really mad at her, per se...it's just a little ridiculous to block traffic so you can text. And dangerous! So really, my real note to self should be:
4) Don't text and drive.
Which I never do. I rarely text as it is.
5) Consider the environment
Someone sent directions today for my boss. At the end of the text in the Word file, it said:
P Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail
So, I thought about the environment for about 30 seconds, and then I pressed print.
I am all for the environment, and I like the message, but my boss needed the directions in hand, in a file, per his instructions. Boss =1 , Environment = 0. Sorry Environment.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Being Safe Versus Being Right - Drama of the Day
Today, I was behind a minivan at a stoplight. The light turned green, and guy in minivan proceeded to turn veerry slowly. He was on his cell phone so he's allowed, right?
I actually did not care how slowly he turned, as he was turning (slowly) onto a 4-lane road, and I could simply pass him.
So I proceed to the left lane to pass him. As slow as he was going, I am somehow not getting around him. The fucker is speeding up in the right lane. I go faster, he goes faster. I need back in the right lane to make my turn, so I go ahead and get back in the right lane. Yep, I did cut him off.
Apparently, this Cell Phone Talking Mini Van Driving Guy does NOT allow that. He proceeded to tailgate me...very...closely. Dangerously close.
Then he followed me into my work parking garage.
I deliberately picked a space where there were no other open spaces around, so as to avoid a confrontation. I thought, "Surely, this dude isn't actually following me!". Dude certainly was. He stopped right behind my car. This middle-aged, bald dude.
I think, "ok, ok, I'll talk to him about it".
Dude (in a tone that is confrontational but not yelling): "Why are you in such a hurry?"
Me: "You were racing me!"
Dude: "No I wasn't"
Me: "You turned so slowly, so I went to pass you, then you sped up and wouldn't let me around you. Oh, are you on your cell phone? (I spy cell phone) Yes, yes you are"
I walk away with, "Have a nice day".
Dude, "Yeah, whatever".
Me: "God Bless You, Sir".
Dude: (in a sarcastic, pissed manner, and not that I wasn't being sarcastic myself, but for all he knew, I meant it) "Yeah, yeah".
I went back out to the garage about 1/2 hour later to make sure he did not damage my car somehow. I also moved my car to a different spot. I looked for his van, but did not see it. I am pretty sure he was not parking there, but just wanted to confront me.
You know, I'm not saying I was 100% right about cutting him off, but who follows people to their parking spot to say something? Does the guy follow every single person who doesn't drive the way he likes to their parking space? Or am I the first person to piss him off?
I handled it well on the spot, but by the time I got back to my office, I was all hyperventilating and stuff. Yeah, yeah, the fucking drama. I'm not used to being confronted in such a manner; rather thin-skinned am I. I'm glad I held it together in front of dude, though. But, I was able to make myself Drama Queen of the Day by talking about it on FB. :)
IN RETROSPECT:
1) I should have gone straight and taken the next right (not out of my way but by a fraction maybe), OR slowed down and got behind him, although I'm not sure if that was an option. I can't remember the traffic situation - who was behind us, etc. Okay...he was clearly being a dick. He was. He was speeding up while I was passing him, which is illegal. But...I admit that once I had it in my head that I wanted to be in front of him, he wasn't stopping me. When I got in front of him, I was cutting it close. I did have other options. Safe is better than Right. I should have picked a safer option not b/c he was right, but for my own safety. People are nuts. What if something worse would have happened?
2) I should have stayed in my car and not gotten out, and/or called the police. What if he would have had a gun or would have gotten out of his car? Sounds paranoid, but it could happen. I kind of wish I would not have parked and would have driven directly to the campus police station, which was not far. Would he have followed me there? Would that be a waste of the police's time if I were to go there in that situation?
3) I should not have gone back out to my car by myself, when I went to check to make sure there was no damage.
4) And I wonder if I should have taken the higher ground and simply apologized very nicely, even though I was not completely wrong in the matter?
====================================================
Hopefully, he has forgotten about this, and isn't going to "track me down" further.
Hopefully, he is not an alumnus (is that correct? Or alumni?) or professor or dean or some other higher up.
Hopefully, he doesn't know anyone I know.
Not because I think I am 100% wrong, but b/c I freaking cannot deal with controversy and confrontation and gossip.
I wanted to tell him I was pregnant and to leave me alone, ha ha.
But seriously, if I was a guy driving some big ol' truck, would he have followed me like that? I have the feeling it was b/c I was a woman. I mean I drive a station wagon with a car seat in the back. It's not like I'm some punk. What a dick!
And I live in a relatively small town. Clearly, I could never deal with NY or LA, admittedly.
Unfortunately, this type of stuff makes me hate People.
==========================================================
AND NOW THE POSITIVE:
But you know, I reluctantly have to thank this dickless dude. I am going to try harder to get in my driving zone and not give a shit. What I mean is, okay, dude speeds up, clearly trying to beat me, I don't want him to, so I don't let him. Fuck that. It's not worth my life or safety, and of course I always think of Jude (who wasn't with me at the time). Next time, I'll just let the dickless wonders "win" and go on with my safe life. So thank you, Mr. Asshole. You are clearly a Messenger from God.
I actually did not care how slowly he turned, as he was turning (slowly) onto a 4-lane road, and I could simply pass him.
So I proceed to the left lane to pass him. As slow as he was going, I am somehow not getting around him. The fucker is speeding up in the right lane. I go faster, he goes faster. I need back in the right lane to make my turn, so I go ahead and get back in the right lane. Yep, I did cut him off.
Apparently, this Cell Phone Talking Mini Van Driving Guy does NOT allow that. He proceeded to tailgate me...very...closely. Dangerously close.
Then he followed me into my work parking garage.
I deliberately picked a space where there were no other open spaces around, so as to avoid a confrontation. I thought, "Surely, this dude isn't actually following me!". Dude certainly was. He stopped right behind my car. This middle-aged, bald dude.
I think, "ok, ok, I'll talk to him about it".
Dude (in a tone that is confrontational but not yelling): "Why are you in such a hurry?"
Me: "You were racing me!"
Dude: "No I wasn't"
Me: "You turned so slowly, so I went to pass you, then you sped up and wouldn't let me around you. Oh, are you on your cell phone? (I spy cell phone) Yes, yes you are"
I walk away with, "Have a nice day".
Dude, "Yeah, whatever".
Me: "God Bless You, Sir".
Dude: (in a sarcastic, pissed manner, and not that I wasn't being sarcastic myself, but for all he knew, I meant it) "Yeah, yeah".
I went back out to the garage about 1/2 hour later to make sure he did not damage my car somehow. I also moved my car to a different spot. I looked for his van, but did not see it. I am pretty sure he was not parking there, but just wanted to confront me.
You know, I'm not saying I was 100% right about cutting him off, but who follows people to their parking spot to say something? Does the guy follow every single person who doesn't drive the way he likes to their parking space? Or am I the first person to piss him off?
I handled it well on the spot, but by the time I got back to my office, I was all hyperventilating and stuff. Yeah, yeah, the fucking drama. I'm not used to being confronted in such a manner; rather thin-skinned am I. I'm glad I held it together in front of dude, though. But, I was able to make myself Drama Queen of the Day by talking about it on FB. :)
IN RETROSPECT:
1) I should have gone straight and taken the next right (not out of my way but by a fraction maybe), OR slowed down and got behind him, although I'm not sure if that was an option. I can't remember the traffic situation - who was behind us, etc. Okay...he was clearly being a dick. He was. He was speeding up while I was passing him, which is illegal. But...I admit that once I had it in my head that I wanted to be in front of him, he wasn't stopping me. When I got in front of him, I was cutting it close. I did have other options. Safe is better than Right. I should have picked a safer option not b/c he was right, but for my own safety. People are nuts. What if something worse would have happened?
2) I should have stayed in my car and not gotten out, and/or called the police. What if he would have had a gun or would have gotten out of his car? Sounds paranoid, but it could happen. I kind of wish I would not have parked and would have driven directly to the campus police station, which was not far. Would he have followed me there? Would that be a waste of the police's time if I were to go there in that situation?
3) I should not have gone back out to my car by myself, when I went to check to make sure there was no damage.
4) And I wonder if I should have taken the higher ground and simply apologized very nicely, even though I was not completely wrong in the matter?
====================================================
Hopefully, he has forgotten about this, and isn't going to "track me down" further.
Hopefully, he is not an alumnus (is that correct? Or alumni?) or professor or dean or some other higher up.
Hopefully, he doesn't know anyone I know.
Not because I think I am 100% wrong, but b/c I freaking cannot deal with controversy and confrontation and gossip.
I wanted to tell him I was pregnant and to leave me alone, ha ha.
But seriously, if I was a guy driving some big ol' truck, would he have followed me like that? I have the feeling it was b/c I was a woman. I mean I drive a station wagon with a car seat in the back. It's not like I'm some punk. What a dick!
And I live in a relatively small town. Clearly, I could never deal with NY or LA, admittedly.
Unfortunately, this type of stuff makes me hate People.
==========================================================
AND NOW THE POSITIVE:
But you know, I reluctantly have to thank this dickless dude. I am going to try harder to get in my driving zone and not give a shit. What I mean is, okay, dude speeds up, clearly trying to beat me, I don't want him to, so I don't let him. Fuck that. It's not worth my life or safety, and of course I always think of Jude (who wasn't with me at the time). Next time, I'll just let the dickless wonders "win" and go on with my safe life. So thank you, Mr. Asshole. You are clearly a Messenger from God.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Plastic Death
I saw a reference to a link about the dangers of plastic water bottles, and I decided to take a look at it. Apparently, not only are plastic water bottles bad for the environment, but they may leak chemicals that can cause problems.
It's rather frustrating b/c it took me years to even use water bottles at all as I considered them "too trendy" and for yuppies. Now that I finally use them, they are bad.
When I heard they were bad for the environment, I thought I was still doing okay b/c I recycle mine.
After doing a quick Google search, it seems the worst plastics are the harder ones, especially number 7's. But almost any number can be bad, allegedly.
So my first thought was: How can I eliminate plastic from my life? And then I realized how many things I have that are plastic. Is it just me? There is a ton of plastic in my house - toys, electronics, Jude's dishware and cups, storage containers, etc.
But back to water...I'm thinking, what can I drink out of then? Okay, no plastic water bottles. So I use this really cool, but plastic, container I got from the hospital after having Jude. And it's a hard plastic, of course. I look at the bottom...no number. So what do I do? Bring an actual glass glass to work and drink my water out of that? And tap water? I thought tap water was supposed to be the devil.
I continue reading online about the dangers of plastics, how many baby bottles are bad, plastic food storage is bad, how you shouldn't have canned foods including soups, no plastic containers for milk, etc. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.
And as I click on link after link, I finally get to the one: "Can your vinyl siding kill you?" Oh for gosh sakes. I simply cannot worry about all of this stuff. I just cannot. I suppose I could convert everything to glass containers and buy milk in the cardboard cartons, but do I need to build another house with wood siding? Or a brick house? Will this really eliminate all carcinogenic chemicals from my life?
How valid are these findings anyway? Do I *really* need to worry about plastic, and what kind of water I drink?
I hate worrying about shit. I really do. Maybe I'm lazy, not sure, but I hate worrying about shit. It seems the whole world is out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. People are smoking outside my building and I have to walk through their smoke, but I've got to worry about my fucking plastic water bottle now? Great.
It's rather frustrating b/c it took me years to even use water bottles at all as I considered them "too trendy" and for yuppies. Now that I finally use them, they are bad.
When I heard they were bad for the environment, I thought I was still doing okay b/c I recycle mine.
After doing a quick Google search, it seems the worst plastics are the harder ones, especially number 7's. But almost any number can be bad, allegedly.
So my first thought was: How can I eliminate plastic from my life? And then I realized how many things I have that are plastic. Is it just me? There is a ton of plastic in my house - toys, electronics, Jude's dishware and cups, storage containers, etc.
But back to water...I'm thinking, what can I drink out of then? Okay, no plastic water bottles. So I use this really cool, but plastic, container I got from the hospital after having Jude. And it's a hard plastic, of course. I look at the bottom...no number. So what do I do? Bring an actual glass glass to work and drink my water out of that? And tap water? I thought tap water was supposed to be the devil.
I continue reading online about the dangers of plastics, how many baby bottles are bad, plastic food storage is bad, how you shouldn't have canned foods including soups, no plastic containers for milk, etc. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.
And as I click on link after link, I finally get to the one: "Can your vinyl siding kill you?" Oh for gosh sakes. I simply cannot worry about all of this stuff. I just cannot. I suppose I could convert everything to glass containers and buy milk in the cardboard cartons, but do I need to build another house with wood siding? Or a brick house? Will this really eliminate all carcinogenic chemicals from my life?
How valid are these findings anyway? Do I *really* need to worry about plastic, and what kind of water I drink?
I hate worrying about shit. I really do. Maybe I'm lazy, not sure, but I hate worrying about shit. It seems the whole world is out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. People are smoking outside my building and I have to walk through their smoke, but I've got to worry about my fucking plastic water bottle now? Great.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Twins!
Thanks Erin & Eileen! I am only 9 weeks along. They are due January 16.
I think I will start another blog just about this journey. I'll provide the link as soon as I have it. The Poor Jude Chronicles are being neglected! Gotta work on that, too!
I think I will start another blog just about this journey. I'll provide the link as soon as I have it. The Poor Jude Chronicles are being neglected! Gotta work on that, too!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Preschool Update!!
Thank you so much to all of you who responded so long ago on my request for advice about Jude's preschool. I did read all of your comments at the time and they were very helpful!!! I've just been busy with other things, and I'll get back to that in another post.
In short, things are much better now. I think in this instance, it was indeed a case of it being just a fluke; I caught them at a bad time. We had a a parent/teacher conference since then, and I asked some pointed questions and got good answers. I'm pretty happy with the preschool at the moment. It isn't PERFECT, but what is? It's a good school though, Jude really seems to thrive there, so I feel better about the whole thing.
To those I did not respond to, which is pretty much everyone:
TG:
I have observed his class at random times since then, and feel much better about it all. In our case, I am glad that Jude is not with his grandparents every day...heh..I don't think that would be the best for him. Oh...they love him...but only grandchild and all. They get him once a week, Fridays in fact, and they spoil him all they want to. Which is fine. For one day. :) (and not saying that Mrs. TG isn't the best choice!! I'm just talking about my circumstances. Perhaps if Jude was with my mom every day, it would be different. But knowing how my grandma spoiled me, I doubt it!)
Erin:
Yeah, I know you understand completely how I feel. I am sure a lot of it is a first-time mom thing. We'll probably toughen up later down the line and not cry at every little thing. Or not. For the record, I cried the very first day I took Jude to daycare, when he was 12 weeks old. People probably thought I was insane.
Simplicity:
I do remember you! I will try to get to your blog. I have been really bad about reading other's blogs lately. :(
Marijayde:
Hey girlfriend! Good to see you! Heh...thanks for the advice and support. Yeah..I know he'll make it and be fine. I guess this is what makes us all good moms, that we even think about this stuff. I imagine bad moms don't. And yeah about gym class...wtf? Shouldn't they just be running around like little heathens? :)
In short, things are much better now. I think in this instance, it was indeed a case of it being just a fluke; I caught them at a bad time. We had a a parent/teacher conference since then, and I asked some pointed questions and got good answers. I'm pretty happy with the preschool at the moment. It isn't PERFECT, but what is? It's a good school though, Jude really seems to thrive there, so I feel better about the whole thing.
To those I did not respond to, which is pretty much everyone:
TG:
I have observed his class at random times since then, and feel much better about it all. In our case, I am glad that Jude is not with his grandparents every day...heh..I don't think that would be the best for him. Oh...they love him...but only grandchild and all. They get him once a week, Fridays in fact, and they spoil him all they want to. Which is fine. For one day. :) (and not saying that Mrs. TG isn't the best choice!! I'm just talking about my circumstances. Perhaps if Jude was with my mom every day, it would be different. But knowing how my grandma spoiled me, I doubt it!)
Erin:
Yeah, I know you understand completely how I feel. I am sure a lot of it is a first-time mom thing. We'll probably toughen up later down the line and not cry at every little thing. Or not. For the record, I cried the very first day I took Jude to daycare, when he was 12 weeks old. People probably thought I was insane.
Simplicity:
I do remember you! I will try to get to your blog. I have been really bad about reading other's blogs lately. :(
Marijayde:
Hey girlfriend! Good to see you! Heh...thanks for the advice and support. Yeah..I know he'll make it and be fine. I guess this is what makes us all good moms, that we even think about this stuff. I imagine bad moms don't. And yeah about gym class...wtf? Shouldn't they just be running around like little heathens? :)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Should I be worried? My son's preschool
I was disturbed by some events at my 2 year-old son's preschool today. I should preface this by saying it's nothing major. I would have taken him right out of there if it was something like that. I should also say that I am very picky and anal about things, and want my way, and I realize this.
He has been crying the last couple of days when I go to leave him at preschool. He is fine when we walk in and when I am signing him in, and then as I am about to leave, he cries that he does not want me to leave. It's odd b/c he has been fine going and hasn't cried at preschool in ages. I do know that kids go through these periodic stages sometimes, where they will randomly cry even though they were previously happy in the same situation. So I'm keeping that in mind.
You can watch through a 2-way mirror at Jude's school, where you can see them but they can't see you. When he cries, I like to watch until he stops crying, for my own peace of mind. He did stop crying, but he looked sad. He played with toys, but he just had this sad, resigned look on his face. Nothing like he is at home.
So I stopped by at lunch today, for more peace of mind. I wanted to see him happy and playing like he normally does.
When I get there, it is story time. The teacher is reading, and the kids are all listening intently. Like really concentrating. Cute!
Then it's lunch time. They must have a procedure where they dismiss the kids by 1s or 2s to go wash their hands for lunch. Jude washes his hands, and goes to sit down at the table to eat. A few seconds later, another little kid wants his seat (before Jude has actually sat down). They struggle a bit, until the teacher says something (it's hard to hear thru the window), then Jude goes and sits in another chair. I don't know what the deal is with that...unless they have assigned seats which I doubt. I do realize that I am going to be defensive on behalf of my kid.
I am most bothered by what happened when they were done eating. Apparently, they want some kind of order, which I can understand. So they tell each kid, after they are done eating, to go wash their hands and go potty. If they try to stand up b4 that, they make them sit down until it's their turn.
Jude is picking at his food by the end, as he will do. He keeps trying to get up though. The asst teacher keeps telling him to sit down. She asks him if he is done. He shakes his head no. So she pushes him back up to the table in his chair. I notice she is doing this all very coldly and abruptly. Not mean exactly, but in a matter-of-fact, taking care of business, kind of attitude. Like the way you would organize things, not people.
Later, Jude tries getting up again, she looks at him and says very rudely, as if she is talking to a grown person who had told her one thing but meant another: "Are you DONE Jude." and I left the question mark out on purpose, b/c she said it as a statement. He lamely shakes his head yes. So she takes his food away (that part is okay, just trying to give the play-by-play).
And then he has to sit there like, for fucking ever. (starting to feel upset now as I type this...) No, it wasn't that long, but more than a few minutes. You know how toddler time works, and how a short amount of time seems like a long time to them. He kept trying to get up, and she kept telling him to sit down. And he just had to sit there.
Here's the thing: I understand and appreciate order and procedure. I really do. But it is equally important for me for a child, especially my child, to have love and compassion in his life. You can be loving and still have a firm hand. I think it is asking a lot to ask a toddler to just sit there. No food, no toys, no book, no stimulation, no nothing. He looked sad and bored. It broke my heart! Why does he have to sit there? She was making other kids sit down, too, not just Jude. She would forcibly (not abusively, but authoritatively), put kids back in their chair if they wouldn't listen. Does Jude even understand why they are being this way? To another kid, this asst. teacher practically yelled. "Grace! SIT IN YOUR SEAT!!".
All the while she was running around cleaning up, while the main teacher was assisting kids in the bathroom. So it wasn't like she was just sitting there, yelling. I was getting frustrated when other kids were allowed to get up and not Jude. I was practically cheering for the kid!
I understand it must be quite a job to care for ten 2-year olds, to clean up after all of them. I suppose you can't be lovey dovey all day long. And these are not *their* kids, after all.
He was FINALLY allowed to get up (I was almost cheering for him to get up whether she liked it or not!), and I stayed until I saw him comfortably rested in his cot for his nap. The asst. teacher did tuck him in, although I could not hear what she said, and he was allowed to get his stuffed animal rabbit.
So many thoughts:
1) I don't know what is really to be expected, or what is needed, at a preschool, versus what I provide as a parent at home.
2) On that note, I know I am grouchy with Jude from time to time. I won't be tonight though! But I don't place unrealistic expectations on him, like making him sit in a chair doing nothing for no reason (or if there is a reason, I would tell him...and I don't know if they have told the kids why...)
3) And on that note, maybe it was an off day for this teacher. We all have off days. I know this.
4) Maybe it was the timing. Right at lunch, right into potty, right into nap...maybe some order is needed. Maybe everyone is tired by then. Maybe things are more playful and joyful at other times of the day.
5) Do I expect too much, as a mother, as a first-time mother? I really don't know, but I'm sure there is some of that.
6) And what are my options? Another preschool is one. Staying home is another. Talking to this preschool director is yet another. Do I have a legitimate complaint? "they are being mean and I want the teachers to be more lovey" Is that legit?? Are we just talking personality differences here?
He used to be in the younger twos room, where the main teacher was loving and I felt good about Jude being there. Although it's worthwhile to add that the asst teacher in that room was much like this one.
He moved to the older twos room in February, and although I already knew the teachers from having gone to this preschool, this is the first time I observed Jude in this room in the middle of the day.
I hope they are not like that with Jude all day long. No wonder he doesn't want to go, if that is the case. I don't know though...they tell me he gives good hugs, so I know hugging is going on. and he seemed content at the story time I saw, although not ecstatically happy...but why would he be during story time? It's concentrate and listen time. And wind down time.
Here's the other thing: I mean, you know, I spoil him a bit with love and affection, as he is my only child. I love to cuddle and love on him, although as I said, I have my moments where I have to get things done, or when he tests my patience and I'm more grouchy. I can't expect the same love from a teacher as from me, his mother. Further...maybe it is important for him to be in an environment where he is not necessarily doted on and paid special attention to all day (I know he is at least not being neglected). There are other lessons to learn in life and other important things for Jude's well-being. He doesn't need to be spoiled all the time.
And as I said, no one was outright mean really (for my tastes, yes, but objectively speaking, no) or abusive to him. As I said, I would have pulled him right out if I saw something abusive. I just cringed a little...just b/c it was odd to just make him keep sitting in a chair like that, and I don't do that at home. I sort of did want to go in and hug him. But...this is school, not home. But that fact also makes me sad b/c he will be in school until he's 18 or older...does it have to start this young?
He has learned so much at this preschool, and otherwise, and aside from the last two mornings, he seems to really enjoy it. If I still have any readers out there, I would appreciate advice.
He has been crying the last couple of days when I go to leave him at preschool. He is fine when we walk in and when I am signing him in, and then as I am about to leave, he cries that he does not want me to leave. It's odd b/c he has been fine going and hasn't cried at preschool in ages. I do know that kids go through these periodic stages sometimes, where they will randomly cry even though they were previously happy in the same situation. So I'm keeping that in mind.
You can watch through a 2-way mirror at Jude's school, where you can see them but they can't see you. When he cries, I like to watch until he stops crying, for my own peace of mind. He did stop crying, but he looked sad. He played with toys, but he just had this sad, resigned look on his face. Nothing like he is at home.
So I stopped by at lunch today, for more peace of mind. I wanted to see him happy and playing like he normally does.
When I get there, it is story time. The teacher is reading, and the kids are all listening intently. Like really concentrating. Cute!
Then it's lunch time. They must have a procedure where they dismiss the kids by 1s or 2s to go wash their hands for lunch. Jude washes his hands, and goes to sit down at the table to eat. A few seconds later, another little kid wants his seat (before Jude has actually sat down). They struggle a bit, until the teacher says something (it's hard to hear thru the window), then Jude goes and sits in another chair. I don't know what the deal is with that...unless they have assigned seats which I doubt. I do realize that I am going to be defensive on behalf of my kid.
I am most bothered by what happened when they were done eating. Apparently, they want some kind of order, which I can understand. So they tell each kid, after they are done eating, to go wash their hands and go potty. If they try to stand up b4 that, they make them sit down until it's their turn.
Jude is picking at his food by the end, as he will do. He keeps trying to get up though. The asst teacher keeps telling him to sit down. She asks him if he is done. He shakes his head no. So she pushes him back up to the table in his chair. I notice she is doing this all very coldly and abruptly. Not mean exactly, but in a matter-of-fact, taking care of business, kind of attitude. Like the way you would organize things, not people.
Later, Jude tries getting up again, she looks at him and says very rudely, as if she is talking to a grown person who had told her one thing but meant another: "Are you DONE Jude." and I left the question mark out on purpose, b/c she said it as a statement. He lamely shakes his head yes. So she takes his food away (that part is okay, just trying to give the play-by-play).
And then he has to sit there like, for fucking ever. (starting to feel upset now as I type this...) No, it wasn't that long, but more than a few minutes. You know how toddler time works, and how a short amount of time seems like a long time to them. He kept trying to get up, and she kept telling him to sit down. And he just had to sit there.
Here's the thing: I understand and appreciate order and procedure. I really do. But it is equally important for me for a child, especially my child, to have love and compassion in his life. You can be loving and still have a firm hand. I think it is asking a lot to ask a toddler to just sit there. No food, no toys, no book, no stimulation, no nothing. He looked sad and bored. It broke my heart! Why does he have to sit there? She was making other kids sit down, too, not just Jude. She would forcibly (not abusively, but authoritatively), put kids back in their chair if they wouldn't listen. Does Jude even understand why they are being this way? To another kid, this asst. teacher practically yelled. "Grace! SIT IN YOUR SEAT!!".
All the while she was running around cleaning up, while the main teacher was assisting kids in the bathroom. So it wasn't like she was just sitting there, yelling. I was getting frustrated when other kids were allowed to get up and not Jude. I was practically cheering for the kid!
I understand it must be quite a job to care for ten 2-year olds, to clean up after all of them. I suppose you can't be lovey dovey all day long. And these are not *their* kids, after all.
He was FINALLY allowed to get up (I was almost cheering for him to get up whether she liked it or not!), and I stayed until I saw him comfortably rested in his cot for his nap. The asst. teacher did tuck him in, although I could not hear what she said, and he was allowed to get his stuffed animal rabbit.
So many thoughts:
1) I don't know what is really to be expected, or what is needed, at a preschool, versus what I provide as a parent at home.
2) On that note, I know I am grouchy with Jude from time to time. I won't be tonight though! But I don't place unrealistic expectations on him, like making him sit in a chair doing nothing for no reason (or if there is a reason, I would tell him...and I don't know if they have told the kids why...)
3) And on that note, maybe it was an off day for this teacher. We all have off days. I know this.
4) Maybe it was the timing. Right at lunch, right into potty, right into nap...maybe some order is needed. Maybe everyone is tired by then. Maybe things are more playful and joyful at other times of the day.
5) Do I expect too much, as a mother, as a first-time mother? I really don't know, but I'm sure there is some of that.
6) And what are my options? Another preschool is one. Staying home is another. Talking to this preschool director is yet another. Do I have a legitimate complaint? "they are being mean and I want the teachers to be more lovey" Is that legit?? Are we just talking personality differences here?
He used to be in the younger twos room, where the main teacher was loving and I felt good about Jude being there. Although it's worthwhile to add that the asst teacher in that room was much like this one.
He moved to the older twos room in February, and although I already knew the teachers from having gone to this preschool, this is the first time I observed Jude in this room in the middle of the day.
I hope they are not like that with Jude all day long. No wonder he doesn't want to go, if that is the case. I don't know though...they tell me he gives good hugs, so I know hugging is going on. and he seemed content at the story time I saw, although not ecstatically happy...but why would he be during story time? It's concentrate and listen time. And wind down time.
Here's the other thing: I mean, you know, I spoil him a bit with love and affection, as he is my only child. I love to cuddle and love on him, although as I said, I have my moments where I have to get things done, or when he tests my patience and I'm more grouchy. I can't expect the same love from a teacher as from me, his mother. Further...maybe it is important for him to be in an environment where he is not necessarily doted on and paid special attention to all day (I know he is at least not being neglected). There are other lessons to learn in life and other important things for Jude's well-being. He doesn't need to be spoiled all the time.
And as I said, no one was outright mean really (for my tastes, yes, but objectively speaking, no) or abusive to him. As I said, I would have pulled him right out if I saw something abusive. I just cringed a little...just b/c it was odd to just make him keep sitting in a chair like that, and I don't do that at home. I sort of did want to go in and hug him. But...this is school, not home. But that fact also makes me sad b/c he will be in school until he's 18 or older...does it have to start this young?
He has learned so much at this preschool, and otherwise, and aside from the last two mornings, he seems to really enjoy it. If I still have any readers out there, I would appreciate advice.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Current Fitness and Mental Status
I am at the end of week five of my current fitness program. I have not missed a workout in these 5 weeks. The breakdown:
M
5:45 am
Turbo Jam 40 minute cardio
T
6:00 am
Turbo Jam 18 minute abs
W
5:45 am
Turbo Jam 40 minute body sculpt
Th
5:45 am
4o-50 min Pilates/Yoga
F
5:30 pm (after work on Fridays)
Weights - upper body and lower body alternate weeks
Additional: Walk the dog 2-4 times a week; 2 times for sure during the week at 25 minutes each; and trying to get 2 in on weekends, at 45 min to 1 hour each.
Typical Menu:
Breakfast - 1 serving size whole grain cereal which has less than 5 g sugar and 5 or more g of fiber, usually Kashi, with one banana, or a handful of strawberries, raspberries, or blueberries; with 1% milk.
Snack 1 - 1 banana or 1/2-1 apple, or 1 c grapes, or 1 orange, or 1/2 c sliced strawberries, + 1 slice lf cheese OR lf or ff yogurt
Lunch - Healthy choice soup, or leftover dinner, or ww tortilla w/turkey, lf cheese, lettuce, hummus, or a grilled chicken salad w/veggies and a little lf dressing
Snack 2 - 1 c carrot sticks and hummus OR protein powder w/1% milk
Dinner - a lean meat, pasta or ww rice, vegetable; varies...I have found many lean recipes to make; I like variety (who doesn't?)
Snack 3 - Protein powder and 1% milk; or sometimes a low cal dessert; or sometimes 1/2 of a blueberry mini-bagal (not the best choice; mostly a filler so I don't wake up starving); or sometimes just chocolate milk if I'm not really hungry
+ at least 64 oz of water a day
Saturdays and Sundays are sort of free days, but I mostly eat healthy those two days with 1 or 2 "bad" meals. I also don't worry about eating 6 meals a day on weekends, and don't really think so hard about the fitness program at all. We traditionally like to have a fun breakfast on Saturday, which includes real bacon and eggs, and to have take-out pizza or something like that Saturday night. I also allow a cola or two on weekends.
I have given up alcohol for Lent.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I've been pretty focused lately, just sort of WANTING to do this, which of course is important, and the simple key. Obviously, what I'm doing is not good for anyone trying to lose more body fat. You would need to be stricter. I am so lucky to be genetically blessed to not really get "fat", even when I'm out of shape. When I think of all my other genetic faults, I try to remember all the good things about me, too, like this.
But it's not just about outward appearance. I am glad I don't look fat, even when I'm unhealthy, but I work out to feel good. My energy levels increase 1000%...I mean I get so much done when I'm healthy, you wouldn't believe it. I get stronger physically. I gain self-confidence. And then there is my bum hip. A proper strength program helps my hip to a point where I go from chronic pain to not hurting much at all! Although I do have to be careful. I unfortunately cannot do high impact stuff.
I hate that I can't do the high impact stuff. I feel like I am doing the old-lady version of the video. Especially when she says, "Okay...if you can't do it now, that is fine, stay low-impact, and work up to high impact"...bleh. But I've decided to swallow my pride and do what is safe for me. The people on the video cannot really see me anyway, ha ha, even though they act like you can. "we are SO GLAD you are here with us today" "You HAVE to keep doing this to keep us company!" What??? Ha ha !
I can barely eat out anymore as all of that stuff makes me sick on some level, even the pizza we get sometimes. I've been trying really hard to buy unprocessed foods without additives, but it is a challenge. I can't always do it, but I'm getting better. I even found some organic macaroni and cheese for my son!
I am finally starting to have my doubts about artificial sweeteners. I almost think that real, pure sugar is better, but that you have to really limit yourself there. We ran out of sugar lately, and I've been using Splenda all week, and getting headaches and now "optical migraines" I think (I go to the dr. today to confirm). I wonder if Splenda is the cause? It is also in 17 oz of water I drink a day, the fruit flavored kind I enjoy. My birth control pills are also suspect as the cause, as well as fluorescent lights.
I've been pushing myself on weights, too, using heavier ones than I thought I could use, even on body sculpt. Throughout the whole session, I think I'm not going to be able to do it and there is no way I'll finish. But then somehow, I do! I can tell my muscles are looking more defined. And even though I have not lost a lot of scale weight or inches, I somehow FEEL more muscular and in shape. I wonder if that's psychological, and if I really look any different, but like I said, it's not as much about how I look.
Overall, I am feeling really good and am in a really good place in my life at the moment. I'm not relying on any addictions like I have in the past, whether it be food, booze, or the internet, I am not surrounding myself with people who try to encourage our shared weaknesses or bring me to a lower moral ground (not that hard to do; best for me to avoid altogether when I see it), and I'm recognizing all of these behaviors in people who I once thought were good for me, but are really, very, very bad for me. I feel like that I have control of my life, and overall, I could not be happier. It's making me a better wife and mother, and probably person. I am finally in a place in my life where outside validation is not as important for me, and I am able to validate myself. It's almost hard to believe I'm here!
I will continue this workout program for another 7 weeks, and then take a break. God Bless.
M
5:45 am
Turbo Jam 40 minute cardio
T
6:00 am
Turbo Jam 18 minute abs
W
5:45 am
Turbo Jam 40 minute body sculpt
Th
5:45 am
4o-50 min Pilates/Yoga
F
5:30 pm (after work on Fridays)
Weights - upper body and lower body alternate weeks
Additional: Walk the dog 2-4 times a week; 2 times for sure during the week at 25 minutes each; and trying to get 2 in on weekends, at 45 min to 1 hour each.
Typical Menu:
Breakfast - 1 serving size whole grain cereal which has less than 5 g sugar and 5 or more g of fiber, usually Kashi, with one banana, or a handful of strawberries, raspberries, or blueberries; with 1% milk.
Snack 1 - 1 banana or 1/2-1 apple, or 1 c grapes, or 1 orange, or 1/2 c sliced strawberries, + 1 slice lf cheese OR lf or ff yogurt
Lunch - Healthy choice soup, or leftover dinner, or ww tortilla w/turkey, lf cheese, lettuce, hummus, or a grilled chicken salad w/veggies and a little lf dressing
Snack 2 - 1 c carrot sticks and hummus OR protein powder w/1% milk
Dinner - a lean meat, pasta or ww rice, vegetable; varies...I have found many lean recipes to make; I like variety (who doesn't?)
Snack 3 - Protein powder and 1% milk; or sometimes a low cal dessert; or sometimes 1/2 of a blueberry mini-bagal (not the best choice; mostly a filler so I don't wake up starving); or sometimes just chocolate milk if I'm not really hungry
+ at least 64 oz of water a day
Saturdays and Sundays are sort of free days, but I mostly eat healthy those two days with 1 or 2 "bad" meals. I also don't worry about eating 6 meals a day on weekends, and don't really think so hard about the fitness program at all. We traditionally like to have a fun breakfast on Saturday, which includes real bacon and eggs, and to have take-out pizza or something like that Saturday night. I also allow a cola or two on weekends.
I have given up alcohol for Lent.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I've been pretty focused lately, just sort of WANTING to do this, which of course is important, and the simple key. Obviously, what I'm doing is not good for anyone trying to lose more body fat. You would need to be stricter. I am so lucky to be genetically blessed to not really get "fat", even when I'm out of shape. When I think of all my other genetic faults, I try to remember all the good things about me, too, like this.
But it's not just about outward appearance. I am glad I don't look fat, even when I'm unhealthy, but I work out to feel good. My energy levels increase 1000%...I mean I get so much done when I'm healthy, you wouldn't believe it. I get stronger physically. I gain self-confidence. And then there is my bum hip. A proper strength program helps my hip to a point where I go from chronic pain to not hurting much at all! Although I do have to be careful. I unfortunately cannot do high impact stuff.
I hate that I can't do the high impact stuff. I feel like I am doing the old-lady version of the video. Especially when she says, "Okay...if you can't do it now, that is fine, stay low-impact, and work up to high impact"...bleh. But I've decided to swallow my pride and do what is safe for me. The people on the video cannot really see me anyway, ha ha, even though they act like you can. "we are SO GLAD you are here with us today" "You HAVE to keep doing this to keep us company!" What??? Ha ha !
I can barely eat out anymore as all of that stuff makes me sick on some level, even the pizza we get sometimes. I've been trying really hard to buy unprocessed foods without additives, but it is a challenge. I can't always do it, but I'm getting better. I even found some organic macaroni and cheese for my son!
I am finally starting to have my doubts about artificial sweeteners. I almost think that real, pure sugar is better, but that you have to really limit yourself there. We ran out of sugar lately, and I've been using Splenda all week, and getting headaches and now "optical migraines" I think (I go to the dr. today to confirm). I wonder if Splenda is the cause? It is also in 17 oz of water I drink a day, the fruit flavored kind I enjoy. My birth control pills are also suspect as the cause, as well as fluorescent lights.
I've been pushing myself on weights, too, using heavier ones than I thought I could use, even on body sculpt. Throughout the whole session, I think I'm not going to be able to do it and there is no way I'll finish. But then somehow, I do! I can tell my muscles are looking more defined. And even though I have not lost a lot of scale weight or inches, I somehow FEEL more muscular and in shape. I wonder if that's psychological, and if I really look any different, but like I said, it's not as much about how I look.
Overall, I am feeling really good and am in a really good place in my life at the moment. I'm not relying on any addictions like I have in the past, whether it be food, booze, or the internet, I am not surrounding myself with people who try to encourage our shared weaknesses or bring me to a lower moral ground (not that hard to do; best for me to avoid altogether when I see it), and I'm recognizing all of these behaviors in people who I once thought were good for me, but are really, very, very bad for me. I feel like that I have control of my life, and overall, I could not be happier. It's making me a better wife and mother, and probably person. I am finally in a place in my life where outside validation is not as important for me, and I am able to validate myself. It's almost hard to believe I'm here!
I will continue this workout program for another 7 weeks, and then take a break. God Bless.
Monday, March 02, 2009
My Biggest Regret
I have been taking a lot of cute little surveys lately...you know those forwarded e-mails...and one of the questions that comes up is, "What is your biggest regret?", or something similar. The cool thing to say seems to be something to the effect of "I have no regrets" or "I regret nothing b/c my mistakes have made me what I am today". Very few people actually list their regrets, including myself, I suppose for fear of getting lectured on how you should not regret things, how it is illogical and senseless and counterproductive, and perhaps some people just feel it a sign of weakness to list regrets.
We watched a movie last night called "Away From Her", about a couple experiencing Alzheimer's disease. The wife is who has it, and the movie is about their relationship, with interesting twists compared to similar movies of this genre. A very good movie, I might add, although not altogether upbeat, as is to be expected.
I like movies like this though, b/c for me, it is yet another great reminder to cherish, I mean really cherish, what you have now. It is so easy for someone like me with my personality to take things for granted. I NEED reminding, sad to say (or maybe I'm not so abnormal in this sense?). Also, I tend to dwell on the petty things, the little annoyances. I need to be reminded to just be happy that things are so great right now, especially with my husband and I, and the little one. It may not always be this way. You can't predict it. I really should just let the little things go, and enjoy this!!!
Anyway, the wife ends up in a nursing home, as will happen. There a lot of scenes with family visiting patients. And here is my biggest regret in life:
That I did not visit my Grandpa more, both before and after he was in a nursing home, but especially after (I say especially b/c I did visit him more when he was still at his house, although still not enough). I am ashamed to say that I hardly ever visited him on my own, if ever. I wish now I would have made it a weekly thing, or monthly at the very least.
Why didn't I? I don't have a good excuse, b/c what good excuse is there other than I myself not being physically capable of visiting, which wasn't the case? One of the reasons is that I used to be very selfish. I had other things to do. I did not want to make time for that. I am learning how to become less selfish these days, although I am not to the level of selflessness that I aspire to be some day.
But the biggest reason, much bigger than the selfishness, is that I live in a constant state of denial when it comes to the deterioration of my loved ones, or when it comes to the fact that they are dying. So not fair to the person in question, I know. But in my younger mind (hopefully not my current one), if I don't acknowledge it outright, it's not happening, or at least I am not forced to face it.
I did not want to watch my Grandpa deteriorate. I wanted no part of it. Two things about this:
1) I was very, very close to his wife, my Grandma. I was close to Grandpa, too, b/c of Grandma, but she was really the one I was close to. Grandpa was great, too, but he was just sort of there, who I loved by way of Grandma. Grandma was the the dominant one who ran the show and who I interacted with more often.
Grandma died when I was 16, and Grandpa changed after that. First from his grief, which he really never got over losing her, but also b/c he did not have Grandma there to help him with anything, right down to daily tasks. He also changed in natural ways, but ways that I could not face...like he became a "dirty old man"...heh...buying Playboys and flirting with nurses, ha ha. Nothing really wrong with that, and I'd laugh in any other scenario, but I could not deal with the new Grandpa versus the old traditional Grandpa from my cherished childhood years. Therefore, I did not really enjoy visiting him.
2) I don't enjoy visits to nursing homes. Who does? I don't like seeing death everywhere...and it's just creepy. Selfishness at it's height - I know this. I got this from my dad...not to blame him...and I'll get back to that.
While Grandpa was still alive, I had thought about visiting him more often so that I could write down all of his stories about the old days, so they would not be lost. But obviously, I never did.
And I regret it now. After seeing a movie like that...I mean I know he was so lonely and depressed there. I should have been a better granddaughter. I will just have to regret this one.
But I must still learn from it. It's one thing to pity yourself for things you have done wrong, but one must actually DO something about it, or else it just becomes another thing you can feel sorry for yourself about, and then it becomes about YOU again.
My first plan of action is to be less selfish in general (instead of simply waiting for someone to be in a nursing home again) - and this means calling people more, being there when they need me, etc. Like I said earlier, I'm still not classified as a Good Samaritan, and I may never be. But I can tell you that I'm a much better person now, much more giving than I used to be. I am actually proud of some of my latest good deeds, and I wonder if it is okay to be proud of this? Maybe I just feel good about myself instead of being proud, and about what I've done, and hopefully that is okay to feel good. I'm writing it here, but I'm not going around bragging about it...and I think *that* defeats the purpose of doing good deeds, when you go around bragging about it. Do your good deed for the sake of it, right? Not for bragging purposes.
The second plan is to take my son to visit nursing homes or similar, or to involve him in good deeds. My parents avoided these places, and like I said, my dad was very negative about the whole thing, like I used to be, and still am to some degree. I understand how he feels...but I believe that being raised that way, it becomes more difficult to break the pattern. Also, you are simply not used to places like that then, and you are not used to doing a good deed like this if you are not brought up to do so.
I don't believe in blaming parents for all your faults...once you realize it, you should either decide to be just like them and shup up about it, or to not be like them. And I don't mind that they are like that, and my parents are really not bad people overall. I just want to expand my horizons, and take my son along with me. I don't want him to fear these things like I did, nor to be as selfish, even if he does end up an only child like me.
I can tell you I still won't like it, and I will still dread it...visiting a nursing home, if and when I have to. What there is to learn here is that it is not about me. It's about rising above my own needs. No one looks forward to these things, but it still needs to be done.
I am getting older, too. Hopefully, I myself have a long time to worry about this with regards to my going into a home. But getting older does remind you that you will be dying some day. You put yourself in their shoes, all alone, taken away from their home, in a nursing home...wouldn't it be awful if your grandchildren and your loved ones didn't visit you? I must forgive myself for betraying my Grandpa like that. But...I am sorry, Grandpa. That just sucked, that I did that. Royally.
Again, a movie like that makes we want to cherish every moment, to pray daily and give thanks, and to reach out to my family and friends. Life is short. But it can be a good life. And I am suddenly reminded that I need to visit my only living grandparent, my other Grandma, who is alive and well and at home, and 80, more often!!! I wasn't as close to her, but that doesn't matter, does it?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Footnote 1: My Great-Grandma was also in a nursing home, but she was quite happy there. She got very old and unable to take care of herself physically, but mentally, she was sharp, up until the very end. She liked being in a new environment, with people her age. she had others to talk to, and she played games and did crafts and enjoyed herself, and died a peaceful death. I didn't visit her either (I was in college then, and even MORE selfish), and I don't feel *as* bad about it knowing that she fared better than my Grandpa. But, based on principle alone, I still should have visited her. For what it's worth, I did attend her funeral though. Drove there all by myself, in a nearby small town. I'm glad I did that, b/c it clearly made my family very happy that I was there.
Footnote 2: One thing I can be happy about myself with regards to Grandpa, is that I was there when he was actually dying. I got the call late at night, dropped what I was doing (unlike me) and went straight to the home. When I arrived, it was pretty clear that he was dying. I immediately dropped to his side and held his hand, and told him I loved him and that he would be with Grandma soon...I felt excited for him in that sense. I often wonder if I was being a little melodramatic, just to look good or make myself feel better, but I really do think I truly and sincerely felt this way. I also attended his funeral and actually gave the eulogy at his funeral. I felt some good amount of closure there, at least.
Footnote 3: My biggest regret USED to be that I wasn't there enough for my Grandma when she was dying. She died a long and awful death of cancer, and I was scared senseless. I was scared to be around her, and didn't want to see her dying. She was very bad off, depressed, and not herself at all. After she died and throughout my youth, I often blamed myself for her death. I had wished I would have rallied her through it...held her hand and said "c'mon Grandma - fight it...you can do this!!!", and I had wished I would have prayed more...and so I blamed myself for her death, b/c I didn't do enough. (the image of me holding her hand and rallying her through is probably what inspired me to take Grandpa's hand and tell him I love him. It was too late to rally him, but I also regretted not telling her outright that I loved her, and I at least did not make that mistake again, with Grandpa)
However, I have forgiven myself for this and no longer regret my actions. The primary reason is that I was all of 15 and 16 years old. So young to put someone else's life on my shoulders. The secondary reason is b/c I don't think it would have mattered. Kind of funny in a way to think that I thought I could have single-handedly pulled her through a cancer that was all over her body - in her bones and spine and brain and organs - everywhere. So I have asked her and God for forgiveness with regards to that selfishness, and instead of regretting, I mostly think about her fondly, and often.
My Grandpa though, I was old enough to know better, hence the regret. But I will still forgive myself, although I must not let myself forget.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Final thought - I sometimes wonder if I write these things just to make myself feel better or to be prideful or something like this. And then I wonder if that is such a bad thing...to make myself feel better. I suppose not, as long as my actions actually improve in the future.
We watched a movie last night called "Away From Her", about a couple experiencing Alzheimer's disease. The wife is who has it, and the movie is about their relationship, with interesting twists compared to similar movies of this genre. A very good movie, I might add, although not altogether upbeat, as is to be expected.
I like movies like this though, b/c for me, it is yet another great reminder to cherish, I mean really cherish, what you have now. It is so easy for someone like me with my personality to take things for granted. I NEED reminding, sad to say (or maybe I'm not so abnormal in this sense?). Also, I tend to dwell on the petty things, the little annoyances. I need to be reminded to just be happy that things are so great right now, especially with my husband and I, and the little one. It may not always be this way. You can't predict it. I really should just let the little things go, and enjoy this!!!
Anyway, the wife ends up in a nursing home, as will happen. There a lot of scenes with family visiting patients. And here is my biggest regret in life:
That I did not visit my Grandpa more, both before and after he was in a nursing home, but especially after (I say especially b/c I did visit him more when he was still at his house, although still not enough). I am ashamed to say that I hardly ever visited him on my own, if ever. I wish now I would have made it a weekly thing, or monthly at the very least.
Why didn't I? I don't have a good excuse, b/c what good excuse is there other than I myself not being physically capable of visiting, which wasn't the case? One of the reasons is that I used to be very selfish. I had other things to do. I did not want to make time for that. I am learning how to become less selfish these days, although I am not to the level of selflessness that I aspire to be some day.
But the biggest reason, much bigger than the selfishness, is that I live in a constant state of denial when it comes to the deterioration of my loved ones, or when it comes to the fact that they are dying. So not fair to the person in question, I know. But in my younger mind (hopefully not my current one), if I don't acknowledge it outright, it's not happening, or at least I am not forced to face it.
I did not want to watch my Grandpa deteriorate. I wanted no part of it. Two things about this:
1) I was very, very close to his wife, my Grandma. I was close to Grandpa, too, b/c of Grandma, but she was really the one I was close to. Grandpa was great, too, but he was just sort of there, who I loved by way of Grandma. Grandma was the the dominant one who ran the show and who I interacted with more often.
Grandma died when I was 16, and Grandpa changed after that. First from his grief, which he really never got over losing her, but also b/c he did not have Grandma there to help him with anything, right down to daily tasks. He also changed in natural ways, but ways that I could not face...like he became a "dirty old man"...heh...buying Playboys and flirting with nurses, ha ha. Nothing really wrong with that, and I'd laugh in any other scenario, but I could not deal with the new Grandpa versus the old traditional Grandpa from my cherished childhood years. Therefore, I did not really enjoy visiting him.
2) I don't enjoy visits to nursing homes. Who does? I don't like seeing death everywhere...and it's just creepy. Selfishness at it's height - I know this. I got this from my dad...not to blame him...and I'll get back to that.
While Grandpa was still alive, I had thought about visiting him more often so that I could write down all of his stories about the old days, so they would not be lost. But obviously, I never did.
And I regret it now. After seeing a movie like that...I mean I know he was so lonely and depressed there. I should have been a better granddaughter. I will just have to regret this one.
But I must still learn from it. It's one thing to pity yourself for things you have done wrong, but one must actually DO something about it, or else it just becomes another thing you can feel sorry for yourself about, and then it becomes about YOU again.
My first plan of action is to be less selfish in general (instead of simply waiting for someone to be in a nursing home again) - and this means calling people more, being there when they need me, etc. Like I said earlier, I'm still not classified as a Good Samaritan, and I may never be. But I can tell you that I'm a much better person now, much more giving than I used to be. I am actually proud of some of my latest good deeds, and I wonder if it is okay to be proud of this? Maybe I just feel good about myself instead of being proud, and about what I've done, and hopefully that is okay to feel good. I'm writing it here, but I'm not going around bragging about it...and I think *that* defeats the purpose of doing good deeds, when you go around bragging about it. Do your good deed for the sake of it, right? Not for bragging purposes.
The second plan is to take my son to visit nursing homes or similar, or to involve him in good deeds. My parents avoided these places, and like I said, my dad was very negative about the whole thing, like I used to be, and still am to some degree. I understand how he feels...but I believe that being raised that way, it becomes more difficult to break the pattern. Also, you are simply not used to places like that then, and you are not used to doing a good deed like this if you are not brought up to do so.
I don't believe in blaming parents for all your faults...once you realize it, you should either decide to be just like them and shup up about it, or to not be like them. And I don't mind that they are like that, and my parents are really not bad people overall. I just want to expand my horizons, and take my son along with me. I don't want him to fear these things like I did, nor to be as selfish, even if he does end up an only child like me.
I can tell you I still won't like it, and I will still dread it...visiting a nursing home, if and when I have to. What there is to learn here is that it is not about me. It's about rising above my own needs. No one looks forward to these things, but it still needs to be done.
I am getting older, too. Hopefully, I myself have a long time to worry about this with regards to my going into a home. But getting older does remind you that you will be dying some day. You put yourself in their shoes, all alone, taken away from their home, in a nursing home...wouldn't it be awful if your grandchildren and your loved ones didn't visit you? I must forgive myself for betraying my Grandpa like that. But...I am sorry, Grandpa. That just sucked, that I did that. Royally.
Again, a movie like that makes we want to cherish every moment, to pray daily and give thanks, and to reach out to my family and friends. Life is short. But it can be a good life. And I am suddenly reminded that I need to visit my only living grandparent, my other Grandma, who is alive and well and at home, and 80, more often!!! I wasn't as close to her, but that doesn't matter, does it?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Footnote 1: My Great-Grandma was also in a nursing home, but she was quite happy there. She got very old and unable to take care of herself physically, but mentally, she was sharp, up until the very end. She liked being in a new environment, with people her age. she had others to talk to, and she played games and did crafts and enjoyed herself, and died a peaceful death. I didn't visit her either (I was in college then, and even MORE selfish), and I don't feel *as* bad about it knowing that she fared better than my Grandpa. But, based on principle alone, I still should have visited her. For what it's worth, I did attend her funeral though. Drove there all by myself, in a nearby small town. I'm glad I did that, b/c it clearly made my family very happy that I was there.
Footnote 2: One thing I can be happy about myself with regards to Grandpa, is that I was there when he was actually dying. I got the call late at night, dropped what I was doing (unlike me) and went straight to the home. When I arrived, it was pretty clear that he was dying. I immediately dropped to his side and held his hand, and told him I loved him and that he would be with Grandma soon...I felt excited for him in that sense. I often wonder if I was being a little melodramatic, just to look good or make myself feel better, but I really do think I truly and sincerely felt this way. I also attended his funeral and actually gave the eulogy at his funeral. I felt some good amount of closure there, at least.
Footnote 3: My biggest regret USED to be that I wasn't there enough for my Grandma when she was dying. She died a long and awful death of cancer, and I was scared senseless. I was scared to be around her, and didn't want to see her dying. She was very bad off, depressed, and not herself at all. After she died and throughout my youth, I often blamed myself for her death. I had wished I would have rallied her through it...held her hand and said "c'mon Grandma - fight it...you can do this!!!", and I had wished I would have prayed more...and so I blamed myself for her death, b/c I didn't do enough. (the image of me holding her hand and rallying her through is probably what inspired me to take Grandpa's hand and tell him I love him. It was too late to rally him, but I also regretted not telling her outright that I loved her, and I at least did not make that mistake again, with Grandpa)
However, I have forgiven myself for this and no longer regret my actions. The primary reason is that I was all of 15 and 16 years old. So young to put someone else's life on my shoulders. The secondary reason is b/c I don't think it would have mattered. Kind of funny in a way to think that I thought I could have single-handedly pulled her through a cancer that was all over her body - in her bones and spine and brain and organs - everywhere. So I have asked her and God for forgiveness with regards to that selfishness, and instead of regretting, I mostly think about her fondly, and often.
My Grandpa though, I was old enough to know better, hence the regret. But I will still forgive myself, although I must not let myself forget.
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Final thought - I sometimes wonder if I write these things just to make myself feel better or to be prideful or something like this. And then I wonder if that is such a bad thing...to make myself feel better. I suppose not, as long as my actions actually improve in the future.
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