I'm not feeling so numb now. I think it was just a fluctuating hormonal issue, LOL. I will never get used to the ebb and flow of my hormones, it seems. I never recognize it while it's happening. When I start feeling something crazy, or not feeling anything at all, I never think, "ah...it's my tumultuous hormones acting up again! I shall ride it out!". Nope...I never get it until after the fact. My emotions get wacky, I get cramps, I think "why, why, why???", and then I figure it out when certain things happen, or rather, flow. Duh!
I think that's what it was. In any case, I feel more normal now. Normal for me.
I wrote a while back about being anti-LOL and anti-other silly internet jargon. Notice I use LOL in the very first paragraph of this post. I have conformed. It's just easier to talk the talk and walk the walk of the Romans when I'm in Rome.
Historically, I eventually cave like that. I'm all anti-new things, especially when it comes to hype and popular stuff, but eventually I come around and participate. The funny and sad thing is, I'm usually too late, and by the time I conform, the said subject is out of style.
I just starting using "rawks" and "kewl", mostly as a joke, but I've been told that this is now 3 years out of style, and you can't even joke around about using them now. (to the person who enlightened me on this fact, I love ya man. I truly thought it was funny...no worries. It's just making this essay better, is all) :)
Other examples are TV shows. I did not like nor watch Friends or Seinfeld when they were popular. People talked about them so much, that I refused to watch them. Now I love them both, and both are in syndication.
Same with fashion...I refuse to buy things the minute it becomes a fashion necessity, until about a year later when no one else is wearing it.
Lucky for me, I am 36 years old. Whew! Thank God I do not have to be KEWL anymore. No one really notices, I don't think. (BTW, I hated high school. ;) )
Speaking of being out of it....I would hate to be on the show "What Not To Wear". I would consider that a personal insult. I lied earlier...I am actually quite fashionably hip, at least in my mind's eye, and for a 36 year old, and for a Midwesterner (thank god I am not in NY or Cali. It's easy to maintain a fashion sense where I live. Just look around. People need to get their shit together.).
Many people say they would love that show b/c you get $5000 worth of shopping. My arguments to that:
1) Have you seen the show? They surprise you by telling you on TV that all of your friends and family got together and decided you are the worst dressed person they know, with no fashion sense whatsoever. Stacy and Clinton are harsh and mean. I love them on the show, but I am way too thin-skinned for that.
2) $5000 is not going to get you very far with the types of clothes they want you to buy...jeans and tops and dresses for $500 a piece, or more! I agree with all the participants who hate spending that much and want to find a bargain. And then they want you to pay a tailor to make it fit just right. Whatever. Obviously, I'm too poor to understand all that.
3) Finally, they give you a credit card with your name on it. Big deal! I've got plenty of those! I want a credit card with *their* name on it, b/c the last time I checked, credit cards with your name on it have the bills sent to your name! I know the show pays for it, but I still think they need to fix that glitch.
I would love to get a makeover by that hair guy and the makeup girl though. I'd take that in a heartbeat. I wish my hairdresser knew what to do like that. Mine is good, but I have to make most of the decisions, and I have a hard time explaining myself b/c, you know, I am not a hairdresser. The hair guy on that show is all about "Your hair needs this color and this cut, and then you will look good" and he is usually right.
I've gotten great tips from that show, but a couple of things I don't agree with:
1) They think it's horrible to wear jogging pants, those striped track kind, to walk in your neighborhood. They wanted this chick to throw them away, and the lady was like, "oh, I just wear these to walk in my neighborhood", and Stacy yells out "WELL! I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR NEIGHBORS THEN!!!". What? Who cares? Just to walk or exercise, I'm not going to worry about it. Even to the mall or the grocery store, I don't mind not looking perfect, although I agree that you shouldn't look like a slob all the time either.
I mean, I've got my cute little workout outfits, b/c I need them for motivation, so I don't look like a ragged, rundown housewife when I work out, but my outfits include track pants and yoga pants, and I (gasp!) wear them in my neighborhood. My husband and I always joke around about it with "you're going to go outside looking like THAT??? What will the neighbors think???"
2) Scrunchies: people need to lighten up about these. I don't wear them out to dinner or to work, but can't you pull your hair back with them while you do housework for gosh sakes? I do.
3) They made one chick throw away her Olympic jacket and she was in the Olympics! Whatever. I'd tell them to F off. It's not like she has to wear that out on dates or anything.
That said...some people's fashion styles on that show are hilarious. I especially love the ones that are people my age trying to dress like a 20 year old.
And that is one thing I learned...how to dress at the right age without looking like an old lady. It's quite difficult at my age, I think, to find the perfect balance, and something I'll elaborate on later.
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PS for those in blogland: Thank you to everyone who may read and/or post on this silly blog o'mine. I have been terribly negligent in most aspects of my life, especially my friends and everything internet related. The baby and working full time is a huge challenge for me, and I'm still learning to manage time. I suck miserably at it. I barely manage to pay bills. I try to check in on blogs when I can, and am always happy to see when you are doing well, and am sad if you are not. I may read, but can't always comment. And it's not b/c I'm too good for this or lead such an active life...I'm telling you...everything is baby, baby, baby right now. SO....I'm sure my friends understand, and, thanks again! ;-) (I'm looking to quit my job so I can get back to internet surfing full time, heh. Priorities!)
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
(un)Comfortably Numb
I am in a strange phase right now. I can't feel anything emotionally. Maybe I'm a man. Kidding.
Historically, I've been known to be a drama queen, and to enjoy the melodramatic. I've had very black and white thinking, and immature ways of handling things. My reasoning was that I'm a "writer" (laughable) and that this is how writers live and think - leaning towards the melodramatic, the theatrics - and I thought this made my life exciting and eventful. I thought this made me "artsy".
I've matured over the years, and more recently I have become more grown-up with the way I handle conflict. I also took an anti-drama vow. I am so over drama, my own and everyone else's. I don't feed into it, I don't add to it, and I steer clear from it, in fact.
But at what price? Has this caused me to become emotionally void? I don't feel passionate about ANYTHING at the moment. I mean nothing. I don't feel upset about the lack of passion, although I am obviously aware of it as I am writing about it. I'm not depressed. I'm not on medication. I feel love still, like for my baby, and I'd describe that/him as my greatest passion of the moment I suppose.
Everything else though...nothing. No great IN LOVE feeling, no projects or sports or books or anything that I'm excited about. I'm just sorta here, existing. It's like I have stepped outside myself to observe myself without really taking part in how I'm feeling or how things are affecting me.
Nothing is wrong with my life. I'm not exactly complaining.
Dealing with conflict has become interesting. Again, I used to get overly upset and melodramatic when conflict came along. The last conflicting event in my life though is what I think sent me into this indifferent state of mind. I didn't want to fight or argue or get upset or cry or anything. I was very matter-of-fact about it all, grown up, mature, saw things for what they were, didn't take it personally.
I feel uninspired. I guess that's the drawback. Could be just a mood. Maybe simply a coping mechanism. I find myself intrigued with myself, heh. And slightly startled, if I was going to feel anything. Maybe surprised or amused are better words.
Perhaps it's the black and white thinking creeping in again. I'm either overly dramatic, or dead inside. Middle ground, come hither.
Historically, I've been known to be a drama queen, and to enjoy the melodramatic. I've had very black and white thinking, and immature ways of handling things. My reasoning was that I'm a "writer" (laughable) and that this is how writers live and think - leaning towards the melodramatic, the theatrics - and I thought this made my life exciting and eventful. I thought this made me "artsy".
I've matured over the years, and more recently I have become more grown-up with the way I handle conflict. I also took an anti-drama vow. I am so over drama, my own and everyone else's. I don't feed into it, I don't add to it, and I steer clear from it, in fact.
But at what price? Has this caused me to become emotionally void? I don't feel passionate about ANYTHING at the moment. I mean nothing. I don't feel upset about the lack of passion, although I am obviously aware of it as I am writing about it. I'm not depressed. I'm not on medication. I feel love still, like for my baby, and I'd describe that/him as my greatest passion of the moment I suppose.
Everything else though...nothing. No great IN LOVE feeling, no projects or sports or books or anything that I'm excited about. I'm just sorta here, existing. It's like I have stepped outside myself to observe myself without really taking part in how I'm feeling or how things are affecting me.
Nothing is wrong with my life. I'm not exactly complaining.
Dealing with conflict has become interesting. Again, I used to get overly upset and melodramatic when conflict came along. The last conflicting event in my life though is what I think sent me into this indifferent state of mind. I didn't want to fight or argue or get upset or cry or anything. I was very matter-of-fact about it all, grown up, mature, saw things for what they were, didn't take it personally.
I feel uninspired. I guess that's the drawback. Could be just a mood. Maybe simply a coping mechanism. I find myself intrigued with myself, heh. And slightly startled, if I was going to feel anything. Maybe surprised or amused are better words.
Perhaps it's the black and white thinking creeping in again. I'm either overly dramatic, or dead inside. Middle ground, come hither.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
LOUD NOISES!!!
I've just realized a ?manic? problem I have: I can't stand loud noises.
Right now it's fireworks time in our neighborhood, or firecrackers, or whatever. The type that make really loud noises. They have been going on non-stop for a couple of hours, and will continue until midnight, and then resume every night throughout July and probably into August.
I'm sitting at the computer feeling very tense. I just realized how tense I was. How to describe the feeling....
My eyebrows are furrowed into a worried looking frown. I feel nervous. I feel on edge. Each time another goes off, I feel uncomfortable. I can't relax. I'm worried about the baby waking up. I'm worried about the noise pollution. I'm wondering if this is legal, and why someone can't stop this. I have a ball of worry and tension in the pit of my stomach. I just want it to quit.
Dogs often reflect the personalities of their owners. Ours does for sure. She hates this, and is also tense. When she's outside, it's nonstop barking. When she's inside, she paces and whines and sits as close to me as possible.
She's always done this, and I always wondered what her problem was. But now I realize she's learned it from me. I internalize it all...it's not like I'm pacing the house and whining. I just sit here and feel tense in my head. Dogs are amazing creatures to sense such things.
However, the dog makes things 100 times worse for me. She is so nervous, that every time I move, she darts right in front of me in her nervousness, and keeps circling around me and/or darting out of my way and grunting, and generally acting like a freak...all of which adds to my tense state and sort of makes me mad.
And now reflecting on my noise aversion, I realize that loud noises in any context make me tense. When I'm at work, any kind of loud noise around my office (people talking too loud, someone playing their music too loud, nearby construction) practically paralyzes me and I can no longer work. I sit there trying to block the noise out, but I get that furrowed brow thing again and a tension headache and overall antsyness. I lose all focus.
Sometimes, my husband goes on task rampages at the same time I've decided it's time to relax. He's loudly putting away dishes, running back and forth between rooms slamming doors and making lots of noise. I can't relax, and sometimes have to leave the house b/c I can't take it anymore. And he's not even doing anything wrong!
And forget about it if he's working on a house project and starts yelling and cussing. That's just the way he does projects, but I always make myself scarce then.
Maybe I need some Valium...not sure. I'm not sure why loud noises bother me so much. Something from my past? Something about being an only child?
Or maybe I'm a nervous or uptight person? I don't like to think of myself as such, but this whole situation reminds me of the Victorian Age when women used to get a "case of the nerves" and would pass out all the time and had to use smelling salts. Actually, what I need is that other stuff they used to get addicted to b/c of nerves. Wait...let me Google...laudalum I think.
Another related thing that makes me nervous is fighting. I mean real life loud arguments between individuals...they make me very tense and nervous and I want to leave. Physical fighting, too...as in bar fights and the like. I feel the adrenaline rush that everyone else feels, but I also feel immediately uptight and upset and want to leave. And I am certain that this aspect of it does stem from a couple of childhood events. I automatically feel it when the firecrackers start going off.
Now, the planned 4th of July fireworks cities have do not make me nervous. It's something about it being a planned event and I'm there watching it, expecting the noise, wanting the show.
But in my neighborhood right now, I'm trying to do other things, the noises are not planned and not supposed to happen, and they are an outside irritant interfering with my thinking and my life. They invade my household and thus, my personal space.
Ah well...I could live in a war-striken country, and then I'd *really* have a reason to be tense. I'm lucky. Now, pass the laudalum. (and now the baby is crying...great. I'm telling you...these fuckers are LOUD)
Right now it's fireworks time in our neighborhood, or firecrackers, or whatever. The type that make really loud noises. They have been going on non-stop for a couple of hours, and will continue until midnight, and then resume every night throughout July and probably into August.
I'm sitting at the computer feeling very tense. I just realized how tense I was. How to describe the feeling....
My eyebrows are furrowed into a worried looking frown. I feel nervous. I feel on edge. Each time another goes off, I feel uncomfortable. I can't relax. I'm worried about the baby waking up. I'm worried about the noise pollution. I'm wondering if this is legal, and why someone can't stop this. I have a ball of worry and tension in the pit of my stomach. I just want it to quit.
Dogs often reflect the personalities of their owners. Ours does for sure. She hates this, and is also tense. When she's outside, it's nonstop barking. When she's inside, she paces and whines and sits as close to me as possible.
She's always done this, and I always wondered what her problem was. But now I realize she's learned it from me. I internalize it all...it's not like I'm pacing the house and whining. I just sit here and feel tense in my head. Dogs are amazing creatures to sense such things.
However, the dog makes things 100 times worse for me. She is so nervous, that every time I move, she darts right in front of me in her nervousness, and keeps circling around me and/or darting out of my way and grunting, and generally acting like a freak...all of which adds to my tense state and sort of makes me mad.
And now reflecting on my noise aversion, I realize that loud noises in any context make me tense. When I'm at work, any kind of loud noise around my office (people talking too loud, someone playing their music too loud, nearby construction) practically paralyzes me and I can no longer work. I sit there trying to block the noise out, but I get that furrowed brow thing again and a tension headache and overall antsyness. I lose all focus.
Sometimes, my husband goes on task rampages at the same time I've decided it's time to relax. He's loudly putting away dishes, running back and forth between rooms slamming doors and making lots of noise. I can't relax, and sometimes have to leave the house b/c I can't take it anymore. And he's not even doing anything wrong!
And forget about it if he's working on a house project and starts yelling and cussing. That's just the way he does projects, but I always make myself scarce then.
Maybe I need some Valium...not sure. I'm not sure why loud noises bother me so much. Something from my past? Something about being an only child?
Or maybe I'm a nervous or uptight person? I don't like to think of myself as such, but this whole situation reminds me of the Victorian Age when women used to get a "case of the nerves" and would pass out all the time and had to use smelling salts. Actually, what I need is that other stuff they used to get addicted to b/c of nerves. Wait...let me Google...laudalum I think.
Another related thing that makes me nervous is fighting. I mean real life loud arguments between individuals...they make me very tense and nervous and I want to leave. Physical fighting, too...as in bar fights and the like. I feel the adrenaline rush that everyone else feels, but I also feel immediately uptight and upset and want to leave. And I am certain that this aspect of it does stem from a couple of childhood events. I automatically feel it when the firecrackers start going off.
Now, the planned 4th of July fireworks cities have do not make me nervous. It's something about it being a planned event and I'm there watching it, expecting the noise, wanting the show.
But in my neighborhood right now, I'm trying to do other things, the noises are not planned and not supposed to happen, and they are an outside irritant interfering with my thinking and my life. They invade my household and thus, my personal space.
Ah well...I could live in a war-striken country, and then I'd *really* have a reason to be tense. I'm lucky. Now, pass the laudalum. (and now the baby is crying...great. I'm telling you...these fuckers are LOUD)
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