I was disturbed by some events at my 2 year-old son's preschool today. I should preface this by saying it's nothing major. I would have taken him right out of there if it was something like that. I should also say that I am very picky and anal about things, and want my way, and I realize this.
He has been crying the last couple of days when I go to leave him at preschool. He is fine when we walk in and when I am signing him in, and then as I am about to leave, he cries that he does not want me to leave. It's odd b/c he has been fine going and hasn't cried at preschool in ages. I do know that kids go through these periodic stages sometimes, where they will randomly cry even though they were previously happy in the same situation. So I'm keeping that in mind.
You can watch through a 2-way mirror at Jude's school, where you can see them but they can't see you. When he cries, I like to watch until he stops crying, for my own peace of mind. He did stop crying, but he looked sad. He played with toys, but he just had this sad, resigned look on his face. Nothing like he is at home.
So I stopped by at lunch today, for more peace of mind. I wanted to see him happy and playing like he normally does.
When I get there, it is story time. The teacher is reading, and the kids are all listening intently. Like really concentrating. Cute!
Then it's lunch time. They must have a procedure where they dismiss the kids by 1s or 2s to go wash their hands for lunch. Jude washes his hands, and goes to sit down at the table to eat. A few seconds later, another little kid wants his seat (before Jude has actually sat down). They struggle a bit, until the teacher says something (it's hard to hear thru the window), then Jude goes and sits in another chair. I don't know what the deal is with that...unless they have assigned seats which I doubt. I do realize that I am going to be defensive on behalf of my kid.
I am most bothered by what happened when they were done eating. Apparently, they want some kind of order, which I can understand. So they tell each kid, after they are done eating, to go wash their hands and go potty. If they try to stand up b4 that, they make them sit down until it's their turn.
Jude is picking at his food by the end, as he will do. He keeps trying to get up though. The asst teacher keeps telling him to sit down. She asks him if he is done. He shakes his head no. So she pushes him back up to the table in his chair. I notice she is doing this all very coldly and abruptly. Not mean exactly, but in a matter-of-fact, taking care of business, kind of attitude. Like the way you would organize things, not people.
Later, Jude tries getting up again, she looks at him and says very rudely, as if she is talking to a grown person who had told her one thing but meant another: "Are you DONE Jude." and I left the question mark out on purpose, b/c she said it as a statement. He lamely shakes his head yes. So she takes his food away (that part is okay, just trying to give the play-by-play).
And then he has to sit there like, for fucking ever. (starting to feel upset now as I type this...) No, it wasn't that long, but more than a few minutes. You know how toddler time works, and how a short amount of time seems like a long time to them. He kept trying to get up, and she kept telling him to sit down. And he just had to sit there.
Here's the thing: I understand and appreciate order and procedure. I really do. But it is equally important for me for a child, especially my child, to have love and compassion in his life. You can be loving and still have a firm hand. I think it is asking a lot to ask a toddler to just sit there. No food, no toys, no book, no stimulation, no nothing. He looked sad and bored. It broke my heart! Why does he have to sit there? She was making other kids sit down, too, not just Jude. She would forcibly (not abusively, but authoritatively), put kids back in their chair if they wouldn't listen. Does Jude even understand why they are being this way? To another kid, this asst. teacher practically yelled. "Grace! SIT IN YOUR SEAT!!".
All the while she was running around cleaning up, while the main teacher was assisting kids in the bathroom. So it wasn't like she was just sitting there, yelling. I was getting frustrated when other kids were allowed to get up and not Jude. I was practically cheering for the kid!
I understand it must be quite a job to care for ten 2-year olds, to clean up after all of them. I suppose you can't be lovey dovey all day long. And these are not *their* kids, after all.
He was FINALLY allowed to get up (I was almost cheering for him to get up whether she liked it or not!), and I stayed until I saw him comfortably rested in his cot for his nap. The asst. teacher did tuck him in, although I could not hear what she said, and he was allowed to get his stuffed animal rabbit.
So many thoughts:
1) I don't know what is really to be expected, or what is needed, at a preschool, versus what I provide as a parent at home.
2) On that note, I know I am grouchy with Jude from time to time. I won't be tonight though! But I don't place unrealistic expectations on him, like making him sit in a chair doing nothing for no reason (or if there is a reason, I would tell him...and I don't know if they have told the kids why...)
3) And on that note, maybe it was an off day for this teacher. We all have off days. I know this.
4) Maybe it was the timing. Right at lunch, right into potty, right into nap...maybe some order is needed. Maybe everyone is tired by then. Maybe things are more playful and joyful at other times of the day.
5) Do I expect too much, as a mother, as a first-time mother? I really don't know, but I'm sure there is some of that.
6) And what are my options? Another preschool is one. Staying home is another. Talking to this preschool director is yet another. Do I have a legitimate complaint? "they are being mean and I want the teachers to be more lovey" Is that legit?? Are we just talking personality differences here?
He used to be in the younger twos room, where the main teacher was loving and I felt good about Jude being there. Although it's worthwhile to add that the asst teacher in that room was much like this one.
He moved to the older twos room in February, and although I already knew the teachers from having gone to this preschool, this is the first time I observed Jude in this room in the middle of the day.
I hope they are not like that with Jude all day long. No wonder he doesn't want to go, if that is the case. I don't know though...they tell me he gives good hugs, so I know hugging is going on. and he seemed content at the story time I saw, although not ecstatically happy...but why would he be during story time? It's concentrate and listen time. And wind down time.
Here's the other thing: I mean, you know, I spoil him a bit with love and affection, as he is my only child. I love to cuddle and love on him, although as I said, I have my moments where I have to get things done, or when he tests my patience and I'm more grouchy. I can't expect the same love from a teacher as from me, his mother. Further...maybe it is important for him to be in an environment where he is not necessarily doted on and paid special attention to all day (I know he is at least not being neglected). There are other lessons to learn in life and other important things for Jude's well-being. He doesn't need to be spoiled all the time.
And as I said, no one was outright mean really (for my tastes, yes, but objectively speaking, no) or abusive to him. As I said, I would have pulled him right out if I saw something abusive. I just cringed a little...just b/c it was odd to just make him keep sitting in a chair like that, and I don't do that at home. I sort of did want to go in and hug him. But...this is school, not home. But that fact also makes me sad b/c he will be in school until he's 18 or older...does it have to start this young?
He has learned so much at this preschool, and otherwise, and aside from the last two mornings, he seems to really enjoy it. If I still have any readers out there, I would appreciate advice.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Friday, March 06, 2009
Current Fitness and Mental Status
I am at the end of week five of my current fitness program. I have not missed a workout in these 5 weeks. The breakdown:
M
5:45 am
Turbo Jam 40 minute cardio
T
6:00 am
Turbo Jam 18 minute abs
W
5:45 am
Turbo Jam 40 minute body sculpt
Th
5:45 am
4o-50 min Pilates/Yoga
F
5:30 pm (after work on Fridays)
Weights - upper body and lower body alternate weeks
Additional: Walk the dog 2-4 times a week; 2 times for sure during the week at 25 minutes each; and trying to get 2 in on weekends, at 45 min to 1 hour each.
Typical Menu:
Breakfast - 1 serving size whole grain cereal which has less than 5 g sugar and 5 or more g of fiber, usually Kashi, with one banana, or a handful of strawberries, raspberries, or blueberries; with 1% milk.
Snack 1 - 1 banana or 1/2-1 apple, or 1 c grapes, or 1 orange, or 1/2 c sliced strawberries, + 1 slice lf cheese OR lf or ff yogurt
Lunch - Healthy choice soup, or leftover dinner, or ww tortilla w/turkey, lf cheese, lettuce, hummus, or a grilled chicken salad w/veggies and a little lf dressing
Snack 2 - 1 c carrot sticks and hummus OR protein powder w/1% milk
Dinner - a lean meat, pasta or ww rice, vegetable; varies...I have found many lean recipes to make; I like variety (who doesn't?)
Snack 3 - Protein powder and 1% milk; or sometimes a low cal dessert; or sometimes 1/2 of a blueberry mini-bagal (not the best choice; mostly a filler so I don't wake up starving); or sometimes just chocolate milk if I'm not really hungry
+ at least 64 oz of water a day
Saturdays and Sundays are sort of free days, but I mostly eat healthy those two days with 1 or 2 "bad" meals. I also don't worry about eating 6 meals a day on weekends, and don't really think so hard about the fitness program at all. We traditionally like to have a fun breakfast on Saturday, which includes real bacon and eggs, and to have take-out pizza or something like that Saturday night. I also allow a cola or two on weekends.
I have given up alcohol for Lent.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I've been pretty focused lately, just sort of WANTING to do this, which of course is important, and the simple key. Obviously, what I'm doing is not good for anyone trying to lose more body fat. You would need to be stricter. I am so lucky to be genetically blessed to not really get "fat", even when I'm out of shape. When I think of all my other genetic faults, I try to remember all the good things about me, too, like this.
But it's not just about outward appearance. I am glad I don't look fat, even when I'm unhealthy, but I work out to feel good. My energy levels increase 1000%...I mean I get so much done when I'm healthy, you wouldn't believe it. I get stronger physically. I gain self-confidence. And then there is my bum hip. A proper strength program helps my hip to a point where I go from chronic pain to not hurting much at all! Although I do have to be careful. I unfortunately cannot do high impact stuff.
I hate that I can't do the high impact stuff. I feel like I am doing the old-lady version of the video. Especially when she says, "Okay...if you can't do it now, that is fine, stay low-impact, and work up to high impact"...bleh. But I've decided to swallow my pride and do what is safe for me. The people on the video cannot really see me anyway, ha ha, even though they act like you can. "we are SO GLAD you are here with us today" "You HAVE to keep doing this to keep us company!" What??? Ha ha !
I can barely eat out anymore as all of that stuff makes me sick on some level, even the pizza we get sometimes. I've been trying really hard to buy unprocessed foods without additives, but it is a challenge. I can't always do it, but I'm getting better. I even found some organic macaroni and cheese for my son!
I am finally starting to have my doubts about artificial sweeteners. I almost think that real, pure sugar is better, but that you have to really limit yourself there. We ran out of sugar lately, and I've been using Splenda all week, and getting headaches and now "optical migraines" I think (I go to the dr. today to confirm). I wonder if Splenda is the cause? It is also in 17 oz of water I drink a day, the fruit flavored kind I enjoy. My birth control pills are also suspect as the cause, as well as fluorescent lights.
I've been pushing myself on weights, too, using heavier ones than I thought I could use, even on body sculpt. Throughout the whole session, I think I'm not going to be able to do it and there is no way I'll finish. But then somehow, I do! I can tell my muscles are looking more defined. And even though I have not lost a lot of scale weight or inches, I somehow FEEL more muscular and in shape. I wonder if that's psychological, and if I really look any different, but like I said, it's not as much about how I look.
Overall, I am feeling really good and am in a really good place in my life at the moment. I'm not relying on any addictions like I have in the past, whether it be food, booze, or the internet, I am not surrounding myself with people who try to encourage our shared weaknesses or bring me to a lower moral ground (not that hard to do; best for me to avoid altogether when I see it), and I'm recognizing all of these behaviors in people who I once thought were good for me, but are really, very, very bad for me. I feel like that I have control of my life, and overall, I could not be happier. It's making me a better wife and mother, and probably person. I am finally in a place in my life where outside validation is not as important for me, and I am able to validate myself. It's almost hard to believe I'm here!
I will continue this workout program for another 7 weeks, and then take a break. God Bless.
M
5:45 am
Turbo Jam 40 minute cardio
T
6:00 am
Turbo Jam 18 minute abs
W
5:45 am
Turbo Jam 40 minute body sculpt
Th
5:45 am
4o-50 min Pilates/Yoga
F
5:30 pm (after work on Fridays)
Weights - upper body and lower body alternate weeks
Additional: Walk the dog 2-4 times a week; 2 times for sure during the week at 25 minutes each; and trying to get 2 in on weekends, at 45 min to 1 hour each.
Typical Menu:
Breakfast - 1 serving size whole grain cereal which has less than 5 g sugar and 5 or more g of fiber, usually Kashi, with one banana, or a handful of strawberries, raspberries, or blueberries; with 1% milk.
Snack 1 - 1 banana or 1/2-1 apple, or 1 c grapes, or 1 orange, or 1/2 c sliced strawberries, + 1 slice lf cheese OR lf or ff yogurt
Lunch - Healthy choice soup, or leftover dinner, or ww tortilla w/turkey, lf cheese, lettuce, hummus, or a grilled chicken salad w/veggies and a little lf dressing
Snack 2 - 1 c carrot sticks and hummus OR protein powder w/1% milk
Dinner - a lean meat, pasta or ww rice, vegetable; varies...I have found many lean recipes to make; I like variety (who doesn't?)
Snack 3 - Protein powder and 1% milk; or sometimes a low cal dessert; or sometimes 1/2 of a blueberry mini-bagal (not the best choice; mostly a filler so I don't wake up starving); or sometimes just chocolate milk if I'm not really hungry
+ at least 64 oz of water a day
Saturdays and Sundays are sort of free days, but I mostly eat healthy those two days with 1 or 2 "bad" meals. I also don't worry about eating 6 meals a day on weekends, and don't really think so hard about the fitness program at all. We traditionally like to have a fun breakfast on Saturday, which includes real bacon and eggs, and to have take-out pizza or something like that Saturday night. I also allow a cola or two on weekends.
I have given up alcohol for Lent.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I've been pretty focused lately, just sort of WANTING to do this, which of course is important, and the simple key. Obviously, what I'm doing is not good for anyone trying to lose more body fat. You would need to be stricter. I am so lucky to be genetically blessed to not really get "fat", even when I'm out of shape. When I think of all my other genetic faults, I try to remember all the good things about me, too, like this.
But it's not just about outward appearance. I am glad I don't look fat, even when I'm unhealthy, but I work out to feel good. My energy levels increase 1000%...I mean I get so much done when I'm healthy, you wouldn't believe it. I get stronger physically. I gain self-confidence. And then there is my bum hip. A proper strength program helps my hip to a point where I go from chronic pain to not hurting much at all! Although I do have to be careful. I unfortunately cannot do high impact stuff.
I hate that I can't do the high impact stuff. I feel like I am doing the old-lady version of the video. Especially when she says, "Okay...if you can't do it now, that is fine, stay low-impact, and work up to high impact"...bleh. But I've decided to swallow my pride and do what is safe for me. The people on the video cannot really see me anyway, ha ha, even though they act like you can. "we are SO GLAD you are here with us today" "You HAVE to keep doing this to keep us company!" What??? Ha ha !
I can barely eat out anymore as all of that stuff makes me sick on some level, even the pizza we get sometimes. I've been trying really hard to buy unprocessed foods without additives, but it is a challenge. I can't always do it, but I'm getting better. I even found some organic macaroni and cheese for my son!
I am finally starting to have my doubts about artificial sweeteners. I almost think that real, pure sugar is better, but that you have to really limit yourself there. We ran out of sugar lately, and I've been using Splenda all week, and getting headaches and now "optical migraines" I think (I go to the dr. today to confirm). I wonder if Splenda is the cause? It is also in 17 oz of water I drink a day, the fruit flavored kind I enjoy. My birth control pills are also suspect as the cause, as well as fluorescent lights.
I've been pushing myself on weights, too, using heavier ones than I thought I could use, even on body sculpt. Throughout the whole session, I think I'm not going to be able to do it and there is no way I'll finish. But then somehow, I do! I can tell my muscles are looking more defined. And even though I have not lost a lot of scale weight or inches, I somehow FEEL more muscular and in shape. I wonder if that's psychological, and if I really look any different, but like I said, it's not as much about how I look.
Overall, I am feeling really good and am in a really good place in my life at the moment. I'm not relying on any addictions like I have in the past, whether it be food, booze, or the internet, I am not surrounding myself with people who try to encourage our shared weaknesses or bring me to a lower moral ground (not that hard to do; best for me to avoid altogether when I see it), and I'm recognizing all of these behaviors in people who I once thought were good for me, but are really, very, very bad for me. I feel like that I have control of my life, and overall, I could not be happier. It's making me a better wife and mother, and probably person. I am finally in a place in my life where outside validation is not as important for me, and I am able to validate myself. It's almost hard to believe I'm here!
I will continue this workout program for another 7 weeks, and then take a break. God Bless.
Monday, March 02, 2009
My Biggest Regret
I have been taking a lot of cute little surveys lately...you know those forwarded e-mails...and one of the questions that comes up is, "What is your biggest regret?", or something similar. The cool thing to say seems to be something to the effect of "I have no regrets" or "I regret nothing b/c my mistakes have made me what I am today". Very few people actually list their regrets, including myself, I suppose for fear of getting lectured on how you should not regret things, how it is illogical and senseless and counterproductive, and perhaps some people just feel it a sign of weakness to list regrets.
We watched a movie last night called "Away From Her", about a couple experiencing Alzheimer's disease. The wife is who has it, and the movie is about their relationship, with interesting twists compared to similar movies of this genre. A very good movie, I might add, although not altogether upbeat, as is to be expected.
I like movies like this though, b/c for me, it is yet another great reminder to cherish, I mean really cherish, what you have now. It is so easy for someone like me with my personality to take things for granted. I NEED reminding, sad to say (or maybe I'm not so abnormal in this sense?). Also, I tend to dwell on the petty things, the little annoyances. I need to be reminded to just be happy that things are so great right now, especially with my husband and I, and the little one. It may not always be this way. You can't predict it. I really should just let the little things go, and enjoy this!!!
Anyway, the wife ends up in a nursing home, as will happen. There a lot of scenes with family visiting patients. And here is my biggest regret in life:
That I did not visit my Grandpa more, both before and after he was in a nursing home, but especially after (I say especially b/c I did visit him more when he was still at his house, although still not enough). I am ashamed to say that I hardly ever visited him on my own, if ever. I wish now I would have made it a weekly thing, or monthly at the very least.
Why didn't I? I don't have a good excuse, b/c what good excuse is there other than I myself not being physically capable of visiting, which wasn't the case? One of the reasons is that I used to be very selfish. I had other things to do. I did not want to make time for that. I am learning how to become less selfish these days, although I am not to the level of selflessness that I aspire to be some day.
But the biggest reason, much bigger than the selfishness, is that I live in a constant state of denial when it comes to the deterioration of my loved ones, or when it comes to the fact that they are dying. So not fair to the person in question, I know. But in my younger mind (hopefully not my current one), if I don't acknowledge it outright, it's not happening, or at least I am not forced to face it.
I did not want to watch my Grandpa deteriorate. I wanted no part of it. Two things about this:
1) I was very, very close to his wife, my Grandma. I was close to Grandpa, too, b/c of Grandma, but she was really the one I was close to. Grandpa was great, too, but he was just sort of there, who I loved by way of Grandma. Grandma was the the dominant one who ran the show and who I interacted with more often.
Grandma died when I was 16, and Grandpa changed after that. First from his grief, which he really never got over losing her, but also b/c he did not have Grandma there to help him with anything, right down to daily tasks. He also changed in natural ways, but ways that I could not face...like he became a "dirty old man"...heh...buying Playboys and flirting with nurses, ha ha. Nothing really wrong with that, and I'd laugh in any other scenario, but I could not deal with the new Grandpa versus the old traditional Grandpa from my cherished childhood years. Therefore, I did not really enjoy visiting him.
2) I don't enjoy visits to nursing homes. Who does? I don't like seeing death everywhere...and it's just creepy. Selfishness at it's height - I know this. I got this from my dad...not to blame him...and I'll get back to that.
While Grandpa was still alive, I had thought about visiting him more often so that I could write down all of his stories about the old days, so they would not be lost. But obviously, I never did.
And I regret it now. After seeing a movie like that...I mean I know he was so lonely and depressed there. I should have been a better granddaughter. I will just have to regret this one.
But I must still learn from it. It's one thing to pity yourself for things you have done wrong, but one must actually DO something about it, or else it just becomes another thing you can feel sorry for yourself about, and then it becomes about YOU again.
My first plan of action is to be less selfish in general (instead of simply waiting for someone to be in a nursing home again) - and this means calling people more, being there when they need me, etc. Like I said earlier, I'm still not classified as a Good Samaritan, and I may never be. But I can tell you that I'm a much better person now, much more giving than I used to be. I am actually proud of some of my latest good deeds, and I wonder if it is okay to be proud of this? Maybe I just feel good about myself instead of being proud, and about what I've done, and hopefully that is okay to feel good. I'm writing it here, but I'm not going around bragging about it...and I think *that* defeats the purpose of doing good deeds, when you go around bragging about it. Do your good deed for the sake of it, right? Not for bragging purposes.
The second plan is to take my son to visit nursing homes or similar, or to involve him in good deeds. My parents avoided these places, and like I said, my dad was very negative about the whole thing, like I used to be, and still am to some degree. I understand how he feels...but I believe that being raised that way, it becomes more difficult to break the pattern. Also, you are simply not used to places like that then, and you are not used to doing a good deed like this if you are not brought up to do so.
I don't believe in blaming parents for all your faults...once you realize it, you should either decide to be just like them and shup up about it, or to not be like them. And I don't mind that they are like that, and my parents are really not bad people overall. I just want to expand my horizons, and take my son along with me. I don't want him to fear these things like I did, nor to be as selfish, even if he does end up an only child like me.
I can tell you I still won't like it, and I will still dread it...visiting a nursing home, if and when I have to. What there is to learn here is that it is not about me. It's about rising above my own needs. No one looks forward to these things, but it still needs to be done.
I am getting older, too. Hopefully, I myself have a long time to worry about this with regards to my going into a home. But getting older does remind you that you will be dying some day. You put yourself in their shoes, all alone, taken away from their home, in a nursing home...wouldn't it be awful if your grandchildren and your loved ones didn't visit you? I must forgive myself for betraying my Grandpa like that. But...I am sorry, Grandpa. That just sucked, that I did that. Royally.
Again, a movie like that makes we want to cherish every moment, to pray daily and give thanks, and to reach out to my family and friends. Life is short. But it can be a good life. And I am suddenly reminded that I need to visit my only living grandparent, my other Grandma, who is alive and well and at home, and 80, more often!!! I wasn't as close to her, but that doesn't matter, does it?
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Footnote 1: My Great-Grandma was also in a nursing home, but she was quite happy there. She got very old and unable to take care of herself physically, but mentally, she was sharp, up until the very end. She liked being in a new environment, with people her age. she had others to talk to, and she played games and did crafts and enjoyed herself, and died a peaceful death. I didn't visit her either (I was in college then, and even MORE selfish), and I don't feel *as* bad about it knowing that she fared better than my Grandpa. But, based on principle alone, I still should have visited her. For what it's worth, I did attend her funeral though. Drove there all by myself, in a nearby small town. I'm glad I did that, b/c it clearly made my family very happy that I was there.
Footnote 2: One thing I can be happy about myself with regards to Grandpa, is that I was there when he was actually dying. I got the call late at night, dropped what I was doing (unlike me) and went straight to the home. When I arrived, it was pretty clear that he was dying. I immediately dropped to his side and held his hand, and told him I loved him and that he would be with Grandma soon...I felt excited for him in that sense. I often wonder if I was being a little melodramatic, just to look good or make myself feel better, but I really do think I truly and sincerely felt this way. I also attended his funeral and actually gave the eulogy at his funeral. I felt some good amount of closure there, at least.
Footnote 3: My biggest regret USED to be that I wasn't there enough for my Grandma when she was dying. She died a long and awful death of cancer, and I was scared senseless. I was scared to be around her, and didn't want to see her dying. She was very bad off, depressed, and not herself at all. After she died and throughout my youth, I often blamed myself for her death. I had wished I would have rallied her through it...held her hand and said "c'mon Grandma - fight it...you can do this!!!", and I had wished I would have prayed more...and so I blamed myself for her death, b/c I didn't do enough. (the image of me holding her hand and rallying her through is probably what inspired me to take Grandpa's hand and tell him I love him. It was too late to rally him, but I also regretted not telling her outright that I loved her, and I at least did not make that mistake again, with Grandpa)
However, I have forgiven myself for this and no longer regret my actions. The primary reason is that I was all of 15 and 16 years old. So young to put someone else's life on my shoulders. The secondary reason is b/c I don't think it would have mattered. Kind of funny in a way to think that I thought I could have single-handedly pulled her through a cancer that was all over her body - in her bones and spine and brain and organs - everywhere. So I have asked her and God for forgiveness with regards to that selfishness, and instead of regretting, I mostly think about her fondly, and often.
My Grandpa though, I was old enough to know better, hence the regret. But I will still forgive myself, although I must not let myself forget.
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Final thought - I sometimes wonder if I write these things just to make myself feel better or to be prideful or something like this. And then I wonder if that is such a bad thing...to make myself feel better. I suppose not, as long as my actions actually improve in the future.
We watched a movie last night called "Away From Her", about a couple experiencing Alzheimer's disease. The wife is who has it, and the movie is about their relationship, with interesting twists compared to similar movies of this genre. A very good movie, I might add, although not altogether upbeat, as is to be expected.
I like movies like this though, b/c for me, it is yet another great reminder to cherish, I mean really cherish, what you have now. It is so easy for someone like me with my personality to take things for granted. I NEED reminding, sad to say (or maybe I'm not so abnormal in this sense?). Also, I tend to dwell on the petty things, the little annoyances. I need to be reminded to just be happy that things are so great right now, especially with my husband and I, and the little one. It may not always be this way. You can't predict it. I really should just let the little things go, and enjoy this!!!
Anyway, the wife ends up in a nursing home, as will happen. There a lot of scenes with family visiting patients. And here is my biggest regret in life:
That I did not visit my Grandpa more, both before and after he was in a nursing home, but especially after (I say especially b/c I did visit him more when he was still at his house, although still not enough). I am ashamed to say that I hardly ever visited him on my own, if ever. I wish now I would have made it a weekly thing, or monthly at the very least.
Why didn't I? I don't have a good excuse, b/c what good excuse is there other than I myself not being physically capable of visiting, which wasn't the case? One of the reasons is that I used to be very selfish. I had other things to do. I did not want to make time for that. I am learning how to become less selfish these days, although I am not to the level of selflessness that I aspire to be some day.
But the biggest reason, much bigger than the selfishness, is that I live in a constant state of denial when it comes to the deterioration of my loved ones, or when it comes to the fact that they are dying. So not fair to the person in question, I know. But in my younger mind (hopefully not my current one), if I don't acknowledge it outright, it's not happening, or at least I am not forced to face it.
I did not want to watch my Grandpa deteriorate. I wanted no part of it. Two things about this:
1) I was very, very close to his wife, my Grandma. I was close to Grandpa, too, b/c of Grandma, but she was really the one I was close to. Grandpa was great, too, but he was just sort of there, who I loved by way of Grandma. Grandma was the the dominant one who ran the show and who I interacted with more often.
Grandma died when I was 16, and Grandpa changed after that. First from his grief, which he really never got over losing her, but also b/c he did not have Grandma there to help him with anything, right down to daily tasks. He also changed in natural ways, but ways that I could not face...like he became a "dirty old man"...heh...buying Playboys and flirting with nurses, ha ha. Nothing really wrong with that, and I'd laugh in any other scenario, but I could not deal with the new Grandpa versus the old traditional Grandpa from my cherished childhood years. Therefore, I did not really enjoy visiting him.
2) I don't enjoy visits to nursing homes. Who does? I don't like seeing death everywhere...and it's just creepy. Selfishness at it's height - I know this. I got this from my dad...not to blame him...and I'll get back to that.
While Grandpa was still alive, I had thought about visiting him more often so that I could write down all of his stories about the old days, so they would not be lost. But obviously, I never did.
And I regret it now. After seeing a movie like that...I mean I know he was so lonely and depressed there. I should have been a better granddaughter. I will just have to regret this one.
But I must still learn from it. It's one thing to pity yourself for things you have done wrong, but one must actually DO something about it, or else it just becomes another thing you can feel sorry for yourself about, and then it becomes about YOU again.
My first plan of action is to be less selfish in general (instead of simply waiting for someone to be in a nursing home again) - and this means calling people more, being there when they need me, etc. Like I said earlier, I'm still not classified as a Good Samaritan, and I may never be. But I can tell you that I'm a much better person now, much more giving than I used to be. I am actually proud of some of my latest good deeds, and I wonder if it is okay to be proud of this? Maybe I just feel good about myself instead of being proud, and about what I've done, and hopefully that is okay to feel good. I'm writing it here, but I'm not going around bragging about it...and I think *that* defeats the purpose of doing good deeds, when you go around bragging about it. Do your good deed for the sake of it, right? Not for bragging purposes.
The second plan is to take my son to visit nursing homes or similar, or to involve him in good deeds. My parents avoided these places, and like I said, my dad was very negative about the whole thing, like I used to be, and still am to some degree. I understand how he feels...but I believe that being raised that way, it becomes more difficult to break the pattern. Also, you are simply not used to places like that then, and you are not used to doing a good deed like this if you are not brought up to do so.
I don't believe in blaming parents for all your faults...once you realize it, you should either decide to be just like them and shup up about it, or to not be like them. And I don't mind that they are like that, and my parents are really not bad people overall. I just want to expand my horizons, and take my son along with me. I don't want him to fear these things like I did, nor to be as selfish, even if he does end up an only child like me.
I can tell you I still won't like it, and I will still dread it...visiting a nursing home, if and when I have to. What there is to learn here is that it is not about me. It's about rising above my own needs. No one looks forward to these things, but it still needs to be done.
I am getting older, too. Hopefully, I myself have a long time to worry about this with regards to my going into a home. But getting older does remind you that you will be dying some day. You put yourself in their shoes, all alone, taken away from their home, in a nursing home...wouldn't it be awful if your grandchildren and your loved ones didn't visit you? I must forgive myself for betraying my Grandpa like that. But...I am sorry, Grandpa. That just sucked, that I did that. Royally.
Again, a movie like that makes we want to cherish every moment, to pray daily and give thanks, and to reach out to my family and friends. Life is short. But it can be a good life. And I am suddenly reminded that I need to visit my only living grandparent, my other Grandma, who is alive and well and at home, and 80, more often!!! I wasn't as close to her, but that doesn't matter, does it?
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Footnote 1: My Great-Grandma was also in a nursing home, but she was quite happy there. She got very old and unable to take care of herself physically, but mentally, she was sharp, up until the very end. She liked being in a new environment, with people her age. she had others to talk to, and she played games and did crafts and enjoyed herself, and died a peaceful death. I didn't visit her either (I was in college then, and even MORE selfish), and I don't feel *as* bad about it knowing that she fared better than my Grandpa. But, based on principle alone, I still should have visited her. For what it's worth, I did attend her funeral though. Drove there all by myself, in a nearby small town. I'm glad I did that, b/c it clearly made my family very happy that I was there.
Footnote 2: One thing I can be happy about myself with regards to Grandpa, is that I was there when he was actually dying. I got the call late at night, dropped what I was doing (unlike me) and went straight to the home. When I arrived, it was pretty clear that he was dying. I immediately dropped to his side and held his hand, and told him I loved him and that he would be with Grandma soon...I felt excited for him in that sense. I often wonder if I was being a little melodramatic, just to look good or make myself feel better, but I really do think I truly and sincerely felt this way. I also attended his funeral and actually gave the eulogy at his funeral. I felt some good amount of closure there, at least.
Footnote 3: My biggest regret USED to be that I wasn't there enough for my Grandma when she was dying. She died a long and awful death of cancer, and I was scared senseless. I was scared to be around her, and didn't want to see her dying. She was very bad off, depressed, and not herself at all. After she died and throughout my youth, I often blamed myself for her death. I had wished I would have rallied her through it...held her hand and said "c'mon Grandma - fight it...you can do this!!!", and I had wished I would have prayed more...and so I blamed myself for her death, b/c I didn't do enough. (the image of me holding her hand and rallying her through is probably what inspired me to take Grandpa's hand and tell him I love him. It was too late to rally him, but I also regretted not telling her outright that I loved her, and I at least did not make that mistake again, with Grandpa)
However, I have forgiven myself for this and no longer regret my actions. The primary reason is that I was all of 15 and 16 years old. So young to put someone else's life on my shoulders. The secondary reason is b/c I don't think it would have mattered. Kind of funny in a way to think that I thought I could have single-handedly pulled her through a cancer that was all over her body - in her bones and spine and brain and organs - everywhere. So I have asked her and God for forgiveness with regards to that selfishness, and instead of regretting, I mostly think about her fondly, and often.
My Grandpa though, I was old enough to know better, hence the regret. But I will still forgive myself, although I must not let myself forget.
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Final thought - I sometimes wonder if I write these things just to make myself feel better or to be prideful or something like this. And then I wonder if that is such a bad thing...to make myself feel better. I suppose not, as long as my actions actually improve in the future.
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