(un)Comfortably Numb

I am in a strange phase right now. I can't feel anything emotionally. Maybe I'm a man. Kidding.

Historically, I've been known to be a drama queen, and to enjoy the melodramatic. I've had very black and white thinking, and immature ways of handling things. My reasoning was that I'm a "writer" (laughable) and that this is how writers live and think - leaning towards the melodramatic, the theatrics - and I thought this made my life exciting and eventful. I thought this made me "artsy".

I've matured over the years, and more recently I have become more grown-up with the way I handle conflict. I also took an anti-drama vow. I am so over drama, my own and everyone else's. I don't feed into it, I don't add to it, and I steer clear from it, in fact.

But at what price? Has this caused me to become emotionally void? I don't feel passionate about ANYTHING at the moment. I mean nothing. I don't feel upset about the lack of passion, although I am obviously aware of it as I am writing about it. I'm not depressed. I'm not on medication. I feel love still, like for my baby, and I'd describe that/him as my greatest passion of the moment I suppose.

Everything else though...nothing. No great IN LOVE feeling, no projects or sports or books or anything that I'm excited about. I'm just sorta here, existing. It's like I have stepped outside myself to observe myself without really taking part in how I'm feeling or how things are affecting me.

Nothing is wrong with my life. I'm not exactly complaining.

Dealing with conflict has become interesting. Again, I used to get overly upset and melodramatic when conflict came along. The last conflicting event in my life though is what I think sent me into this indifferent state of mind. I didn't want to fight or argue or get upset or cry or anything. I was very matter-of-fact about it all, grown up, mature, saw things for what they were, didn't take it personally.

I feel uninspired. I guess that's the drawback. Could be just a mood. Maybe simply a coping mechanism. I find myself intrigued with myself, heh. And slightly startled, if I was going to feel anything. Maybe surprised or amused are better words.

Perhaps it's the black and white thinking creeping in again. I'm either overly dramatic, or dead inside. Middle ground, come hither.