Welcome to the Club!

FIRST:
I am so out of touch with the online world. I feel like I never know what is going on anymore. For instance, when I do get a chance to read a beloved Blend's blog, and then I actually get a chance to post to it, after I write my most eloquent and wonderful response, I get a huge lecture from blogland - something about the change to beta and a gmail account. Now, I have several gmail accounts and I'm glad to use one of them if needed, but I don't get a chance to use it before my entire message is erased. Then when I sign into my own blog, I get another lecture about beta and the change to gmail. What-eva.

SECOND:
This has been the absolute week from hell. I'm going to cuss now, because it's been a fucking bad week. It's all about my job, too. I used to really like my job. Heck, I almost loved it. Now my love has quickly turned to hate. But you know what? I don't really feel like being negative right now, so I'm going to jump to the third topic:

DA CLUB

This whole motherhood thing blows my mind. It is the most awesome and breathtaking experience I could have ever imagined. I am beside myself with happiness, and still can't believe this has happened to me, and that I'm a Mommy!

One thing that fascinates me is that I feel like I am now a member of some exclusive club.

In some ways, I've always been somewhat of a recluse. I never really fit in to most groups, I actually have not been in any clubs, heh. But this is some kind of automatic membership.

So many people reach out to me now, it's amazing. Before, I was just sort of ignored. But now, the people who know I am a new mother will stop me and ask me how Jude is doing, and I am more than glad to share, to the point where their eyes glaze over and I know I better shut up before I lose them completely. It's like asking the elderly how they are feeling, ha ha.

Take my father-in-law's side of the family: I don't know them that well b/c my husband's parents are divorced, and we don't get a chance to see his dad's side that often. He has a HUGE family, by the way. Not even Matt remembers the names of all his cousin's kids. So when we go, not everyone knows me. I get those weird looks from the little kids. You know how little kids glare at you when they don't know you at family gatherings. The adults were nice enough, but no one really talked to me much.

Last time with Jude though, I think everyone talked to me, especially the wives/other moms. And I mean they were super friendly, really sincerely interested, and we had a lot to talk about. Well, mostly all about children, but still, once you get started on that topic, you can go on about it for a long time, I find. The little kids, too, are way more interested in "Jude's Mommy" than they were in that strange lady who shows up every now and again.

On a side but related note, one of the kids asked me who I was, and given the attention span of kids, I couldn't explain the family tree fast enough before he ran away and to play with a truck or something. I started by saying, "well, you know who Tom is, right"? Tom is my father in law, and I was going to explain that I was Tom's son's wife. But the kid didn't know who Tom was, so that thwarted my plan. So I was going through my head trying to figure who he knew and how I was related, before he got bored and ran off. Heh - I think all I had to say was "Karla", ya think?

Back to the topic:

When I take Jude out in public, I get tons and tons of people talking to me, or to him, and mostly in a positive light. Even if they don't talk, I get knowing looks, or understanding looks, or friendly nods.

Another aside: lots of people comment, "Good job!". I find that odd. I mean, thanks and all, but what does it mean? That he is cute & I somehow manipulated our genes to make him that way? Or do they mean he is well behaved? When they say good job, I feel like I scultped him out of clay or something. I don't feel I did a good job unless getting pregnant and giving birth in and of itself is a good job. I'll take the compliment for sure, it just never crossed my mind to say that to anyone.

ANYWAY...

I never realized how much I was ignored before. Further, I never realized how much I didn't like being ignored (I thought I liked it) or how much I like being involved with my community now. I feel like I have common ground with my fellow humans finally

At the same time, I wonder why that is. I mean, just because I didn't have children before, I still mattered. I was still a human being. I'm working hard to see the good in people and not be so negative, so I'm thinking it wasn't just the people who ignored me. Maybe I was closed off. Maybe I didn't look at people or reach out to people. But now that I have Jude, I do sorta look at people to see if they notice him. Maybe *I* am the one giving those knowing glances first.

In any case, I love being a member of the Mommy Club. I love talking to people about baby poop and spit-up, something I never thought I'd do, and I always rolled my eyes when I heard moms talking about it. I love it when people ask me how I do this or I do that or ask me for advice, because I am such a damn good mom and have a genius baby, ha ha. I like being social and having friends - should be a given, right? But I always denied that I wanted that in the past, that I needed to be social. I like being a "normal" person. Well, more or less normal.

But most of all, like the Grinch, my heart has grown 3 times it's size. I never knew I was capable of such love. I never knew such love existed. People tried to tell me I didn't know anything because I didn't have children. They were right. I knew nothing of this kind of love. Being a mom is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. For once, I am going to appreciate and enjoy this happiness instead of worrying about whether or not I deserve it, or worrying about the happiness going away and so closing myself off, etc. (did I ever mention I used to have some serious ISSUES??). I'm just going to be happy, in spite of myself. I think I deserve it!

Now...if I could only fix that job of mine. Given some recent revelations in my life, it's pretty ironic that I've had such a bad week. I am truly being tested. And I'll save that for another post.