Berger Time

And moving on to an entirely offbeat subject, as is the usual fare with me:

What is the deal with these freaking big ass boogers?

I mean, I am not sick. I do not have a cold. Yet every morning I wake up with these gigantic boogers in my nose. And I'm sorry, but the only way to get them out is with the good ol' finger. However, I am not rubbing them off on the dresser, nor am I eating them. Ewww. Heh...I wait until I get in the bathroom for nasal exploration, where I dispose of them properly in my husband's sink. Kidding! A tissue.

But still...these big ass boogers. What the heck? It's an almost strange satisfaction to get them. out.


My husband is getting them, too. Is there something wrong with the air quality in our house? Is it just b/c it's so freaking dry right now? We run the humidifier at night. So is there mold or dust in our house, or what????

anyway...


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Related to boogers, for reasons unknown to me, my parents pronounce "boogers" as "bergers". If you are raised to pronounce a word the wrong way, you don't know any better. Let me share the story of the day I discovered I did not pronounce this word correctly. I'll give you three guesses as to how I learned this:


1) Looked it up in Webster's

2) My parents realized their mistake and then re-taught me the correct pronunciation

3) I was made fun of by other kids



If you picked either 1) or 2), you lived a very sheltered life. You were also very smart and had open-minded parents.


I was at a slumber party in 5th or 6th grade, slumber parties being the mecca for personal slander against your peers (I was made fun of at 10 years old for never having French kissed before. French kissing at 11? And this was 1981!! See...kids have been messing around like that for years...)

Who knows how the topic surfaced, but I sad the toxic word for whatever reason:

"Berger"

"WHAT??? What did you just say???"

(again..I am nor never was good with the comebacks or the impromptu task of saving myself from embarrassment. So, I just meekly said it again, the wrong way, again, like an idiot)

"berger....????"

(finger pointing...)

"BWHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAH!!!!! DID YOU HEAR WHAT KARLA SAID? SHE SAID 'BERGER'. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!:

(I should add that this bitch was the leader of the popular pack at the time [she later became the class whore and flunked out], so the other kids joined in unison):

"BWHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!! SHE SAID 'BERGER'!!!!

(the only response I could think of, said again, very meekly:)

"Well, how do you say it then?"

"BOO-ger. It's BOO-ger"

(said in the most exaggerated way possible, both for effect and for corrective purposes)

(more laughter)

at which my time honored response was:





...





...





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to look like I was about to cry.

"What's wrong with YOU??? You look like you are about to cry!!!"


And so in true 5th grade melodramatic fashion, I do an about face and go running into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me.

Still staying true to form in 5th grade fashion, the other girls form a committee outside the door, trying to decide what to do next, everyone wanting to be the savior of the situation. I heard the popular girl exclaim "I'm the one who did it! I should be the one she lets in".

Then the mom intervened and seemed rather annoyed by my tactics, so I eventually came out on my own. I actually don't remember what happened immediately following that. I remember lying that I just didn't feel good, and then the mom offering me various medicines that I refused.

This same leader of the pack girl, by the way, created a bit of a fiasco at my own slumber party when she mooned us all. But it wasn't her fault. We had put her into a trance.

Anyway, that's my boo-ger story. And for a long time, I still pronoucned it wrong. I kept exaggerating the BOO...like the mean girl did at the party. It wasn't until I met my husband that I was properly and finally (but nicely) corrected once and for all. Thank God I can finally say that word right.