Berger Time

And moving on to an entirely offbeat subject, as is the usual fare with me:

What is the deal with these freaking big ass boogers?

I mean, I am not sick. I do not have a cold. Yet every morning I wake up with these gigantic boogers in my nose. And I'm sorry, but the only way to get them out is with the good ol' finger. However, I am not rubbing them off on the dresser, nor am I eating them. Ewww. Heh...I wait until I get in the bathroom for nasal exploration, where I dispose of them properly in my husband's sink. Kidding! A tissue.

But still...these big ass boogers. What the heck? It's an almost strange satisfaction to get them. out.


My husband is getting them, too. Is there something wrong with the air quality in our house? Is it just b/c it's so freaking dry right now? We run the humidifier at night. So is there mold or dust in our house, or what????

anyway...


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Related to boogers, for reasons unknown to me, my parents pronounce "boogers" as "bergers". If you are raised to pronounce a word the wrong way, you don't know any better. Let me share the story of the day I discovered I did not pronounce this word correctly. I'll give you three guesses as to how I learned this:


1) Looked it up in Webster's

2) My parents realized their mistake and then re-taught me the correct pronunciation

3) I was made fun of by other kids



If you picked either 1) or 2), you lived a very sheltered life. You were also very smart and had open-minded parents.


I was at a slumber party in 5th or 6th grade, slumber parties being the mecca for personal slander against your peers (I was made fun of at 10 years old for never having French kissed before. French kissing at 11? And this was 1981!! See...kids have been messing around like that for years...)

Who knows how the topic surfaced, but I sad the toxic word for whatever reason:

"Berger"

"WHAT??? What did you just say???"

(again..I am nor never was good with the comebacks or the impromptu task of saving myself from embarrassment. So, I just meekly said it again, the wrong way, again, like an idiot)

"berger....????"

(finger pointing...)

"BWHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAH!!!!! DID YOU HEAR WHAT KARLA SAID? SHE SAID 'BERGER'. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!:

(I should add that this bitch was the leader of the popular pack at the time [she later became the class whore and flunked out], so the other kids joined in unison):

"BWHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!! SHE SAID 'BERGER'!!!!

(the only response I could think of, said again, very meekly:)

"Well, how do you say it then?"

"BOO-ger. It's BOO-ger"

(said in the most exaggerated way possible, both for effect and for corrective purposes)

(more laughter)

at which my time honored response was:





...





...





...







to look like I was about to cry.

"What's wrong with YOU??? You look like you are about to cry!!!"


And so in true 5th grade melodramatic fashion, I do an about face and go running into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me.

Still staying true to form in 5th grade fashion, the other girls form a committee outside the door, trying to decide what to do next, everyone wanting to be the savior of the situation. I heard the popular girl exclaim "I'm the one who did it! I should be the one she lets in".

Then the mom intervened and seemed rather annoyed by my tactics, so I eventually came out on my own. I actually don't remember what happened immediately following that. I remember lying that I just didn't feel good, and then the mom offering me various medicines that I refused.

This same leader of the pack girl, by the way, created a bit of a fiasco at my own slumber party when she mooned us all. But it wasn't her fault. We had put her into a trance.

Anyway, that's my boo-ger story. And for a long time, I still pronoucned it wrong. I kept exaggerating the BOO...like the mean girl did at the party. It wasn't until I met my husband that I was properly and finally (but nicely) corrected once and for all. Thank God I can finally say that word right.

Pee Control...Issues much?

You know that Prince song "Pussy Control"? Funny song. My husband hates it. Anyway, this is about Pee Control...issues.



This happens just about every morning: I'm in that early morning state of drifting in and out of a light sleep. But the light sleep is very soothing...very relaxing. I am very warm under the cozy covers. I know I have to get up when the alarm goes off, but that is a whole hour away.



Then it happens. The demon pee demands to be let out. Most people would just get up and pee, right? Not me. Lemme tell you, I fight that pee all the way to the toilet.



When I first feel the urge, I totally ignore it, as if ignoring it will somehow make it evaporate right through my bladder and skin and out of my body. But the pee is a persistent little bitch. It starts to become downright painful. And I'm like FUCK I am NOT getting up yet. I'm NOT! F U Pee. F U!!! The problem is that once I'm physically up that late in the morning, there is no going back to sleep.



I'm pissed off (heh) that the pee is controlling me. IT is making me get up when I don't want to. I want to control it and I want to pee on MY terms. If that isn't having issues, I don't know what is.



Sad to say...the pee always wins. 100% of the time. Pee has a 1000-0 record. It gets to the point where I'm about to wet the bed, and then I pretty much have to get up. It is quite a relief by that point to let it out, heh.





I'm like that at work, too. I don't wait nearly as long, but if I'm in the middle of a project at work, I feel resentful that I have to get up and pee. Such an interruption. What a "waste of time", ha ha.



This is the definition of being anal, or anal retentive. You are such a control freak and so obsessive compulsive about everything, that you will not poo when you are supposed to. Instead, you hold it in and wait until a time that is perfect for you; you retain it in the anus (should be the name of a song). I do that, too (poo almost always wins that battle, too, although its record is not quite as clean as pee's. However, the revenge it later takes is quite painful, and not worth the fight). I am certain that I would be classified as being "anal", as well, in my general personality. But not about all things.



Well, gotta go pee now. I've been fighting it through this entire post.



;-)



(or is it Pussy Patrol, not Control? Hell, I can't remember, and Google won't let me Google the word "pussy". Why not? :) )

Vile Steak Fat

So, Matt and I love to eat out at nice restaurants when we vacation. We did not have good luck on our last vacation, the vacation I never did get around to writing about.



We will pay good money for good food. It is so disappointing when you order a $25 steak and it is not up to par. The steaks were supposed to be trimmed first. A little fat is okay, after all, this is cow meat we're talking about. But when it is MOSTLY fat, I draw the line.



The martinis at this particular restuarant were excellent though. After a couple, we took a picture of the steak fat on Matt's steak from his cell phone.

ENJOY!

YUMMY!!!!!!!

P.S. I fianlly commented on some of your comments dating all the way back to 6/20! Heh...sorry for the delay. I didn't realize I was so behind!

Are We There Yet?

This is my perspective on what it means to a woman to have an orgasm versus what it means to a man:

NOTE: Graphic material



There is the physical versus the mental nature of having sex. For women it's more mental. For men it's more physical.



There are very few absolutes in life. Of COURSE women can enjoy the physical, too. And sometimes it's all physical for women. Of COURSE men can be very mental about making love, too.



But when it comes to coming, men have a true physical need, while women really do not. It just feels good. Sure, if we are brought to the brink and nothing happens, it might be slightly uncomfortable or slightly annoying, but not physically painful.



I'm not a man, so I won't pretend to be one, although I've tried several times, hence the strap-on. KIDDING! Seriously though...through my many years of observation, it seems that men get a buildup whereupon they need a release. I don't know if it's exactly painful, but from all accounts, it seems to be pretty uncomfortable. I think men really NEED to masturbate if they are not releasing some other way, whereas women just do it b/c they can. Women may feel a little on edge if they don't get that release, but it's not like we've got semen building up in our balls that need releasing. It's just a muscle contraction for us. Having an orgasm releases endorphins, which feels good, but we're not getting blue balls.



So when sexual activity commences, for men, there is a definite ending - they come. Everyone knows that is what the aim is (sometimes, I'm unprepared for where "the aim" is, heh). Everyone knows that when that happens, it's over. Everyone knows that when it doesn't happen, it's not really over.

Have I, as a woman, ever collapsed on top of my husband and then rolled off as if we're all down now after I came? Ha ha - that would be funny to try. Nope - we keep pushing forward until he's done, too. He'll push forward for me, too, in the opposite situation. But, something is different...there is a momentary lapse in thrusting wherein he glows in his achievement, and then it's just different if he keeps trying to please me. I mean...he's DONE. It's just not the same. Yeah, we can restart him sometimes, but then we're looking at a marathon fuck. More below on that. Whereas if I get there, I'm not done. My vagina doesn't literally close up for business afterwards. Now THAT WOULD be funny.



I don't know why people try to deny it. Men who act like they don't care if they do get there are lying. Men who act like they are still interested in pleasing a woman afterwards...well, those men are great sports, and I'd advise holding onto them if you have one like that. I personally do not feel satisfied if my partner does not get there, because I know that is what he wants.



I'm not saying I'm nothing more than a latex vagina for him to jerk off into. I know a lot is indeed mental for him in regards to the fact that it is *me* he is doing this with, and he wants me to enjoy it, too. I'm just saying that none of us is going to be happy until he gets there.



Which brings me to my point, cuz I do have a point:



It is not as important for me to get there every time, but he thinks it is, b/c it is important for him to get there.

The minute I catch on to the fact that he wants me to get there, like RIGHT NOW, it's never going to happen. I can't make people laugh on demand, I cannot pee on demand, and I cannot orgasm on demand. The minute he says "are you going to come for me?", the answer would be no. This is my mental hang-up. I do not think most women are like this. Not really sure actually.

There is a myth that the longer the duration, the better (note I did not say that "the bigger the better" is a myth, :) ). Now, I am all for marathon fucks and they have their important place in my life. Believe me. I'm not a huge fan of the "enter/stroke/cum" quick succession of events either. Somewhere between marathon and quickness, I am happy. When I feel like we all are trying too hard, the desire starts to fizzle.

I think he feels the same; if he gets the sense that I'm not having fun and just waiting for him to finish, I think it becomes a mental struggle for him. too. And rightly so. It's hardly ever like that, but you know, we all have our moments of imperfection in the bedroom. Lots of variables that would require way too much writing.

I must add there are those times that I will *not* be happy unless I do get there. I'd say about 2 out of every 5 times I feel that way. I let him know, and he knows exactly what needs to be done in those instances. :)

Communication, as always, is the key. I don't mind saying, "I'm sorry. It's just not going to happen". However, I don't want him to take it as a personal failure on his part. I know he feels that way, but it totally is not the case for me. I am happy with it 9.5 out of 10 times, even if I don't orgasm. I'd rather tell him this than fake an orgasm.

I wonder which one makes him happier though? He wouldn't want me to fake it, but would he be happier thinking I came than he would be knowing the truth? Hmmmm. One of those "is he better off not knowing" dilemmas wherein him knowing maybe just makes ME feel good and guilt-free, but does not do much for him. I can't ask him, cuz of course he will say he doesn't want me to fake it. So, he'd have to really think I finished. Interesting.

Further, knowing that he wants to on his end and needs it, I *do* consider it a personal failure when he does not, which is very, very rare, but it's happened. No amount of explaining will convince me otherwise.

It sounds like I'm a hypocrite and am pegging women and men into their respective stereotypes. Perhaps, but I do believe there is a marked difference between men and women in general, in what they want out of sex, and what an orgasm means to each.

Many similarities exist, of course, and this is the stuff that a good marriage is built upon. I don't think the differences are bad; just something men and women should know about.

Shaken, Not Stirred, sure. But Shaken, not Wiped?

I am an only child. This means, duh, I do not have brothers and sisters.

I did a lot of babysitting, but that’s not the same as watching your mother take care of a sibling every day.

I helped my grandma babysit my cousins, but the following subject never came up.

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An Education on What Happens at the Toilet
Or “Another Great Topic for Dinner Conversation!”

I am a woman, and I know what women do and don’t do on the toilet. They do not stand to pee. They sit. There are always exceptions, but I’m talking about the norm here. And I’m going to be talking about the norm throughout this essay.

So, women sit. We’re clear on that. No matter what we’re doing on said toilet, we sit (or squat if in public).

Another thing that women do: We wipe. No matter what has come out of what orifice, we wipe it nice and clean and dry. A sort of analogy to a famous saying men use for men at the toilet: If you wipe too long, then you’re just playing with it (but women are not so apt to play with it on the toilet. I’m not saying it hasn’t been done, but most women are of the opinion that the toilet is not the place to be. We want to do our business, and then hightail it out of there. Men seem to love it there, which is why it takes them twice as long to finish poo’ing and why they like to read encyclopedias in there. It’s their escape! So..very…sad.) Regardless, we wipe.

Unless we notice after the fact that there is no tp and then we are forced to drip dry, which never works very well, now does it?

So, women sit. Women wipe. Yay for Women.

Men.

My logic always told me that if women wipe, men must wipe, too. Of course they do for their sit down function (again, the majority here), but for the standing, they’d wipe, too, right? I mean, they just peed, so why wouldn’t they wipe it nice and dry? Sure, they’ve got some extra tubing, but does how long the tube is really matter? Sure, the end of the tube is farther away from a man’s body than a woman’s, but it’s still their body – the opening is still at the end of their body. I know “it” sometimes has its own mind and personality, but when they say that they are just making excuses - it is still part of their body.

Imagine my amazement when I discovered at the age of 22 that men didn’t wipe after all. Huh, whaddya know? They shake it! It’s a whole procedure where they sort of squeeze it to the end, and then flop that puppy around like there’s no tomorrow.

I see some faulty logic here:

1) No amount of shaking is going to get it nice and dry. Women know this, hence, we do not shake our ass all around trying to get it dry. Just imagine!

2) The toilet bowl is not so big and the men are not so accurate that they can aim the droplets produced by their shaking directly into the commode. Hence, the huge mess that most men make on the toilet bowl and the surrounding area.

My husband happens to be a very clean person. We do not have piss all around our toilet. However, I do tend to find a mess of piss on the rim when I lift the lid to clean it. He can’t ever see it, of course, being that he’s standing the whole time and too busy aiming his wiener. He does wipe the rim off most of the time though – I’ll give him that, but wouldn’t it be easier just to wipe the sausage in the first place?

3) Related to 1) , without wiping it, they are going to get little droplets of piss on their underwear. I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it. I know. Maybe not everytime, maybe not everyone, but it is possible.


I propose that men everywhere stop with the shaking and take just one square of toilet paper and dab that baby. I think you would like the results of this much better. You’d get it nice and dry, your underwear wouldn’t get a little dab of piss on it, our toilets would be cleaner, and when you come to bed, I would not feel a little wetness or piss droplets on my leg.

Plus, if you want my mouth anywhere near it, I’d prefer no urinal residue, thank you very much, or I’d at least like the residue to be minimized. I don’t like the thought of the piss only being shaken off the stick followed by being placed anywhere near my body. I mean, I’d prefer a full body bath beforehand actually, but, one can’t get too picky about these things or one would be considered an uptight bitch.

I wondered why the little boy I babysat for when I was a teen always gave me a funny, sideways look when I made him wipe it. I didn’t know! He is probably in therapy now because of me.

On that note, do I teach my son to “shake it” or what? “Okay, honey, now, just slowly squeeze it to the end and now…..SHAKE IT! YAY!! SHAKE IT LIKE CRAZY!! YOU GET ALL THAT PEE OFF OF THERE! Good boy!!!”, and then do I have to physically show him? I suppose with a little boy in training, he would just have to jiggle it a little or something. But he really won’t be using toilet paper for this??? Sounds like a job for hubby. Oh my.