*I* Am The Mother - DELETED!

This is the type of post I will more than likely delete later....

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And as predicted, I deleted it. I have talked with Matt a lot about it, which simply talking helps, and it helps that he is on my side, of course. There are many things I love about her and many, many positives. This is nothing I can't handle, but still, it doesn't have to be ignored either. I think if I communicate properly next time, everything will work out. I'll let you know.

Thank you for your comments.

TG - I do understand that we will always be "the kids", and being a parent myself now, I understand that concept even more than before. I also respect the fact that she is a very strong woman...

Janel - Thank you. That's what it is - "annoying" - and it's not the end of the world. Although I don't act out in her presence, I do need to find better ways to handle it. It shouldn't eat at me like that.

As far as both of the people in my story, I have to realize that they both have their own set of issues and there are reasons they do this. They both feel insecure for different reasons, and I understand why. They shouldn't feel insecure, but sometimes, one can't help it when put in certain situations (one having to do with proximity and relation, and the other having to do with marital status and general loneliness and depression).

So...there you go. I am as understanding as freaking ever. :)

If you are my husband, don't EVER respond to a personal ad. In fact, don't even look at them. Don't even THINK about them.

I listened to The Pina Colada Song on the way to work today, word for word. I mean I really listened to the story.

At the end, they are all "oh ha ha, ah me, it's YOU! " chuckle chuckle giggle.

Let me just say that if this scenario happened to my husband and me, a huge fight would ensue.

"What the f? Why the hell are you placing personal ads looking to screw someone? Pina coladas my ass"

"Well, what about YOU?? You just did the same thing and I caught you!"

"Oh, well, uh, no you didn't. I only did this to see if I could trick YOU into responding, and you FAILED the test!"

"why are you testing me???"

etc.


At least that's how things would happen in my dysfunctional world. That wouldn't make for as good of a song though. :)

Fat Lipped Girls Make the Rockin' World Go Round

Celebrities, rich women, regular women, whomever: You need to stop getting lip injections or implants to make your lips look bigger and thicker.


Seriously.


Stop it.


Now.


It's hideous.



Naturally thick lips are, or can be, beautiful. See Angelina Jolie.


Artificially thickened lips are hideous.


I don't understand why people think these are necessary. Granted, I have thin lips, but I'd much rather have these naturally thin lips than those unnaturally thickened lips.


I've seen studies before regarding this and how it all goes down to the biological level of physical attraction. These studies say that thickened lips remind the male counterpart of our species of the labia, and thickened, engorged labia are a sign of sexual arousal. Therefore, thick lips (back to the face again here) are supposed to be attractive.


Hey, again, naturally thick lips, cool. Fake ones look really bad, especially when the owners start trying to talk with them.


As far as sexual arousal, and the possibility that maybe blow jobs are better with thick lips...well...at least I've got a long tongue that I can point at will. (and please....do not get surgery to make your tongue long and pointy. Work with what you've got, people).

Sarcasm School

EDIT 2-15-08: I've decided to delete most of this post for the simple reason that I do not like to slam my friends on the internet. I think that is in bad form. I feel better now that I vented, and I think I've found novel and witty ways to deal with her. I trust everyone that read it agreed with me. If you didn't have a chance to read it, well, I'm sure you weren't missing much.

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And related to my previous post about being positive..."When Sarcasm Goes Wrong":


Being sarcastic can be funny. Being sarcastic can also be mean, also known as "sardonic" - cruelly sarcastic. I have made the mistake many times, but I don't like it when I make that mistake. My aim is to be witty, or funny at best, not to hurt people.


Sarcasm should be used carefully. It probably shouldn't be used at all when talking about other people, as opposed to using it regarding situations.

[rest of this deleted...see above]

[all you need to know is:.........]
She needs a lesson in sarcasm. She needs to enroll in Sarcasm School.

Rhetorical Questions, Holiday Cheer, and Bah! Humbug - Being Cross

It infuriates me when people flick their cigarettes out of their car when I'm driving behind them, and the burning cig comes back and hits my car. It happens all the freaking time.

It happened today. And it really pissed me off. I flicked my brights at the wench, and as they say constantly on Thomas the Tank Engine, I felt very "cross".

The anger was building, and I was cussing to myself. The more I thought of the burning cig hitting my car, the madder I got at the helplessness of the situation (what can I do about it now? She got her way with her cig and my car).

As I was feeling angry, Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" played on the radio. I had just watched "A Christmas Carol" last night and read the story last week. I realized I was fuming mad at someone I didn't know for no real good reason, right in the middle of a holiday season when I should be feeling joy towards Humankind.

Do cigarettes that hit my car really hurt me or my car? I honestly don't know, but I doubt it. I know I don't like the *idea* of a burning flying object hitting my car. Could it blow up my car somehow, lol? I know that's a silly girl thing to say, but what if a drop of gas got on my car after I filled up? What then? Could the heat of the cig hurt my paint job? Back when I had a sun roof and if I had it open, I worried about the cig flying into my car. But typically, it just hits the front of my car, but it does hit my car. I'm sure what makes me mad is that I feel like I'm being trampled on by my neighbor. The haughty taughty smoker thinks that she's so above me that she can fling her cig at my car. It's humiliating on some level. (not to mention the anonymous people who flick their cigs in our driveway. Why do people think they can throw their trash out like that? That's what it is. Trash.)

So my first question is: What is a normal response to a burning cigarette being thrown at one's car? Clearly, I was way too angry about it. In the spirit of A Christmas Carol, am I just supposed to smile and feel cheery and love my fellow driver, burning cig projectile and all? I'm not being smart ass...I really want to know! Is a normal response a feeling of mild irritation, internally, without blinking the brights, and then move on and be happy and love my fellow driver again? In other words, is the proper response just to lay low and take it?

My second question is: Why *am* I so angry these days? Before the cig incident this morning, I was mad at another driver. I was behind her waiting to turn left out of our neighborhood. There was lots of traffic b/c we live right by a high school where classes were about to start, but still, at some point, you just have to go already. This woman waited, and waited, and waited, and waited...I mean I swear she was waiting until she could see no cars anywhere.

I was getting really frustrated (cross again)...you know, have to get to daycare, have to get to work, etc. And I started cussing. What the fuck is she waiting for? And JC! (sorry JC). All of this while baby was in the car....bad. (he doesn't really notice now, but he will, and you know, he probably notices more than I realize).

She finally went, and I was right behind her. We came up to a red light. When it turned green, she just sat there. She rolled backwards a little. Ah...now I see the problem. Engine problems. Her car kept dying. Not totally her fault. And so then I felt all forgiving, right? Wrong. I said "what the fuck is she doing now?" and went around her. The truck behind me was right behind me.

So...why am I so angry? Am I just a bad person, like Scrooge? Is it the environment I was raised in? Is it the sometimes over the top angry person I live with? Am I generally unhappy with my life? Do I hate my fellow man that much? Are there little stresses just nagging at me which surface when I drive? Is it just "that time of year"?

I'd really like to know, b/c I am trying to be a better person. For my baby, for myself, for the good of all. I want to be kind, forgiving, understanding, gentle. I don't know if I'll ever get to all of that, but I cannot over-react every time little things happen. Plus, I really do wonder where all this anger is coming from. I think I have ideas, but I don't like that answer. Although it's fixable, with a little work.


I think writing it out like this is a good first step in Anger Management. I want to fix it. I want to stop my auto-response or at least have more control over it. I don't want to end up with 3 spirits visiting me, although, if that's what it takes, bring 'em on.

P.S. This is not a slam against my smoking friends. Most people I actually know who smoke are quite courteous. It's those smoking strangers who seem to be the foolios. :)

Please Wait To Be Seated

My husband and I went out to eat last weekend. Another fun restaurant experience.

We got there early. We were seated in a row of 2-seater booths, fairly close to the hostess area. As the evening progressed, more people filled the waiting area, until it was pretty full with people waiting for a table. This was a little Italian place, on the informal side. Nothing super fancy.

One woman in waiting decides that she is not going to wait in the designated waiting area. Oh no. Instead, she goes not just past the "wait to be seated" sign, not just into the restaurant proper, but directly beside our booth. There was a wall across from our table, across the very narrow aisle, that she was leaning on, arms folded, and she was no more than 2 feet away from us, just lurching over us like a vulture.

I mean, she could hear every word of our conversation. I'm telling you, she was RIGHT THERE. Not that our conversation was all that intriguing or anything, so I decided to make it so:

Me: "So, have you gotten laid lately?"
Hubby (who quickly follows suit): "Um, no, I haven't. Damn wife is frigid. Good thing I have you."
"Yeah, but I'm so sore all the time"
"I know. I've been told I'm too big before"
"Too big? Now that's an understatement".
"Are you complaining?"
"Oh no! I love them big, fat and juicy. The bigger the better. We just have to practice more"
etc., etc.

She just stood there. Continued to stand. And when we said the raunchiest stuff, she would look directly at us, like at our faces. As if we were in *her* space.

I even went so far as to say, "Gee...it's so nice to be able to get out for once and have adult conversation, one on one, in private, where no one can hear us". She still didn't leave until she got a table.

We said later that we should have just sarcastically asked her if she'd like to join us.

I know I'm a bit uptight with my personal space, but geez. If our table had bordered the waiting area, it would not have been her fault. But she was clearly out of bounds.

I always wonder what is running through people's minds when they act like idiots, and I wonder why they are not more like me (perfect - heh). I would feel very self-conscious hovering over someone's table like that. Why didn't she? Heck, maybe our fake conversation made it irresistible for her to leave.

At least hubby and I had a good test of our improvisational skills.


Edit: I just realized that my last post and this post are complaints about how people annoy me, ha ha. I see a theme here. My next post should be something more cheerful and positive. I'll work on it. I think I do have some upbeat things to report, but they are just not as interesting. :)

Feel Good, Inc.

Now, *this* is how I remember feeling on my first couple of BFL challenges. I've got that natural high, and I have lots of energy. You wouldn't believe how much I got done this weekend. No need for caffeine.

However, this doesn't mean by 9 pm I am not ready to crash, b/c I totally am. 9 p.m.! But, I am sleeping very well these days. Better than a baby.

Also, I feel extremely positive. Life is always going to suck at times, but I find myself handling stress very well, and taking everything very lightly, esp the small stuff that annoys me, the stuff that *should* be taken lightly. When not in a healthy state of mind, I tend to blow the smallest things out of proportion. Now though, I'm feeling all sane and logical and stuff.

Just today, I had a test of the ol' temper. I went to get my flu shot. There was a long ass line. That alone did not bother me. I brought a book just in case there was such a situation. When I'm at my worst, I'd freak out (internally) and worry and fret about the long line. Today, I felt calm and just took it. Like a man. :)

But on to the better story. Long ass line, right? There's a lady behind me, b/c that's how lines work. As the line progresses, she ends up right beside me. And she walks beside me for several minutes.

Now I'm thinking, wtf is this lady doing? But I basically ignore her, although I think, "surely the heck she is not trying to cut??". She keeps looking around to the front of the line, as if she can somehow see exactly what is going on and as if this knowledge will somehow speed things along.

Next thing I know, she is next to the lady in *front* of me! Okay, so old me would have been furious and would have said something. New me, well, I did feel that little fire brew inside me, like, "it's not fair!!! This cannot happen!" But here's the thing: who fucking cares. If she needs a flu shot that fucking bad, let her cut all the way to the front. What difference does it really make to me?

However, I could not resist turning around and talking to the lady behind me about it. I calmly said pretty much what I said above, without the F bombs. Then the lady in front of me turned around and looked at me like "WTF?" regarding cutter lady beside her now. I look at her like "dunno", and I say in a normal voice: "I guess she *really* needs her flu shot", at which point cutter lady looks at me and gets back behind lady in front of me (but still cutting in front of me!).

I was annoyed, but remained calm, and decided, as I said, that this was too small of a battle to give my time, too. (this all is VERY unlike my usual, uptight, personality. Cutting was always a pet peeve of mind. I felt it a huge injustice, ha ha).

And lemme tell ya, there's a good ending to this story. Poetic justice. Before getting the shot, we had to fill out paperwork. I ended up getting my shot first. BWHAHAHAHA! So many moral lessons that could be quoted here. You get the drift. I truly believe that what comes around goes around. In my mind, I thought, "yeah baby. Take that beeyotch". But said nothing and reacted not at all. I didn't need to.

Now...we'll see if all this calmness will help my road rage. I'm really working on that, and it's 100% b/c of baby. Don't worry, I do not own a gun. But I am daily pushed by the really, really dumb drivers around here. I have to totally put my mind outside of my body and ignore all the "injustices" on the road, while at the same time paying attention to the actual vehicles around me as one needs to do when you are driving. It's a whole other dimension.

Got my workouts in today and yesterday, and eating squeaky clean. Man, I feel good.

Common Driving Mistakes

I’ve noticed that many drivers don’t know the rules. I would like to refresh a few memories.

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1) A 4-way stop means stop, wait your turn, and then go. It does not mean stop and then go in and of itself. In other words, it does not mean stop and then go regardless of whose turn it is.

2) If you are taking a right at a 4-way stop, you still have to stop and wait your turn.

3) If you are taking a left at an intersection and don’t have an arrow, you do NOT have the right of way.

4) It’s okay to turn right on red if there is no sign that says “No turn on red”.

5) At the same time, you cannot turn on red if the sign says you cannot, so quit honking at me asshole and read the fucking sign.

6) A yellow light does not mean hurry up and speed through. Neither does a red light.

7) A green light does not mean slow down to almost a halt 100 yards before the light just in case it may suddenly turn red. (old people love to do this)

8) When someone is passing you on a two lane highway, this is not your cue to suddenly remember what a slow ass driver you are and speed up. This is in fact very dangerous.

9) Cruise control is your friend. If I pass you on a 4-lane highway, I am maintaining a constant speed, I caught up to you,so I went around you. It’s not personal. So why do you catch up to me again? Worse, why do I THEN catch up to YOU, AGAIN? Get with the program. I don’t feel like playing this game for 60+ miles.

10) Slamming on your brakes because you see a cop does no good. By the time you see the cop, it’s too late, sucka.

11) Slamming on your brakes to stop a tailgater also does no good. It’s not like they are going to say, “Oh, gee, I guess I AM being a jerk. I will politely back off”.

12) Honking at a semi-truck who cuts you off is pointless. They don’t give a shit. They can’t see you, or if they can they are bigger than you, and they do what they want.

13) If you ride a motorcycle, you do not have the right to run red lights so that your “gang” can stay together. I personally don’t think weaving in and around cars is a smart idea either.

14) Getting mad at bad drivers really does no good at all. Flipping them off just makes you look stupid. Honking isn’t going to teach them anything. I would suggest only honking if a wreck is imminent, or if someone doesn’t know the light is green. Otherwise, it’s pointless. Bad drivers aren’t going to change because you get mad at them. 9 times out of 10, I would guess that people are just not paying attention. It is not a personal vendetta against you when people drive so poorly or cut you off, get in your way, etc.

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Driving around here annoys the hell out of me. The list could go on and on. I am working very diligently at following rule #14, a personal challenge. I want to be a good role model for my son, not some cussing, bird-flipping, white trash maniac.

Cell Phone Hell: The Generation Gap Widens

Cell phones.

On the college campus where I work, I challenge you to find a student who is not walking and talking on his or her cell phone. I would guess 7 out of 10 students are doing such.

And what, maybe 3 out of 5 drivers? It’s not illegal here as far as I know. Yet.

Really, just about everywhere I go, grocery store, movie theater, mall, it doesn’t matter, I see at least one person on their cell phone. At the very least.

So what, right? What business of is this is mine?

I’ll tell you why it’s my business, and I’ll let you in on a little secret:

Did you know that talking on your cell phone gives you automatic privileges and the right to ignore everyone in your path? What happens is that as soon as you commence to talking on your cellular, an invisible bubble engulfs you – a force field if you will, whereupon as you walk or drive, everyone and everything parts out of your path. Pretty fucking cool, huh? The stuff good science fiction is made of!

I didn’t believe it myself, but my husband and I tried a little experiment. We were at JC Penney’s around the Christmas holiday getting pictures of our baby taken. Getting pictures means you wait around forever to get the actual picture shot (if it’s a holiday), then go away for about an hour while Penney’s tries to figure out the best ways to rip you off by forcing you to look at millions of poses of your little baby…way more than you expected or needed to buy. I mean, you’d be a real asshole if you didn’t find the photos adorable and didn’t want to buy all you could.

Anyway, back to the experiment. Matt & I were shopping around waiting for the great photo finish. We noticed that when people were walking around while talking on their cell phones, several things happened:

1) They somehow could not see us, but we could see them! Even with our stroller. When walking towards other cell phone talkers directly in our path, we could tell they were in a very serious conversation, that they could not see us, and so when they came charging towards us, we were forced to dive roll to the side out of their way. That is very hard to do with a baby in a stroller. We were amazed that the stroller would not break the cell phone force field, but it would not.

2) The invisible bubble essentially created a microcosm of the cell phone user’s living room. What this means is that they had complete privacy to talk as loudly as they wanted about anything they wanted, with total disregard to everyone around them, because, they were basically in their own living room

3) Being on their cell phone and in the bubble gave them dibs to just about everything in the store! Cool!


Matt & I were skeptical, as I said. This couldn’t be true. Matt was getting frustrated that we also did not have this power, or rather, that we weren’t using it to it’s fullest potential.

So you know what he did? He got his cell phone out and started in on a fake conversation. He talked very loudly and with authority, as if what he had to say was serious business & required the utmost attention. He did this as I followed him around with the stroller.

I shit you not….people got out of the way! Matt just stormed through the store and everyone moved for us. The bubble really exists!

I normally would protest such asshole moves like this. I mean, we don’t want to be like the rest of the assholes out there. But, it was pretty freaking funny that everyone moved like that, and that we had the power. And to be honest, I was grateful to not be knocked down anymore by other cell phone users. It felt good to just rampage through the store as if we were very important, too.

So, now I believe in the invisible cell phone bubble and it’s immense power. Having this knowledge helps to explain several things to me:

1) Why students feel the need to call someone as soon as they leave class to tell their friends they are going to the next class now.
2) Why said students can cut me off, walk as slow as they want to in front of me in a zig-zag path, and scream in my ear about the party last night to their friends on the phone.
3) Why people answer their cell phones during movies at the theater, and talk as if there is no one around and like they are in their own living room: “Hey dude. I’m watching Spider-man. Yeah, it’s pretty good. Whaddup?” – all in a normal tone of voice! Groovy!
4) Why when people drive while talking on their cell phones they don’t have to obey traffic laws or even drive in a straight line.
5) Why people need to idly chit chat through the aisles of the grocery store, and why I am forced out of the way while they do so.
6) Why in said grocery store, the sneaky folks who use the hidden ear plug thingies always give me dirty looks when I answer them back. I’m breaking their force field, damn it!
7) Why cell phones have to be answered no matter what, no matter what cost, no matter what the circumstance, even when I’m out to dinner with a friend one-on-one, and so I’m forced to sit uncomfortably throughout their conversation while I look like a tool.

You see, I did not know about the cell phone force field. I was just using my phone for emergencies, or to quickly tell Matt when I’d be home, etc. The conversation always had a direct purpose. And I stupidly tried to be polite and respect others’ space, and to be safe about it while driving,

It never occurred to me to use the cell phone while standing at the cash register, or while in the bathroom stall, or while on a date with Matt. Had I known about the invisible force field bubble, I would have wielded this power long ago.

It’s never too late to learn. My next task is to work on keeping up with cell phone sizes. Every time I upgrade to a smaller phone, they get even smaller, and I can’t keep up. My phone always looks gigantic compared to the bubbly little sorority girl’s phone next to me in line at the bookstore.

I’m sure sometime in the future there will be some sort of nanotechnology where the phone will basically be in our body somewhere and we simply control it with our minds. Awesome! As long as the bubble is still a part of the program, and I’m sure it will be.

Scare Tactics

Where does one draw the line between legitimate safety concerns, and all out scare tactics?

I used to love “news” shows like 20/20 and Dateline. I’m not sure if I just got older, or if the shows themselves actually changed. It used to be that these shows had informative, fun, or interesting topics as subject matter.

I stopped watching in the 90’s though when every show’s tagline began with something like this:

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT INK PENS. YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. NEXT!!!, ON 20/20…

wherein you were forced to watch 20 minutes of commercials before finding out how the dread pen could kill you.

There was a skit about this type of thing on SNL with Jerry Seinfeld as host. It hit the nail on the head, as SNL will do.

Every freaking news show was always about how common household objects, or people on the street, or the neighbor’s cat, could kill you!

I started out at first believing all this shit, as one would do. I mean, this is 20/20. This is Dateline. This is television after all. Television never lies, right? A newsperson always tells the truth, right?

I remember thinking after watching such topics: “OH NO! I’ve GOT to get rid of all of my pens. What if I don’t? I mean, I really can’t do it in a practical sense, so what if I really do get cancer and die?”, then I’d lay in bed all night worrying about the freaking pens.

I am a natural born worrier, you see. It used to control me. Over the years, I have learned to control it. But, like with a drug addict, you don’t want to hang around the drug you are addicted to. I tried to avoid things that produce unnecessary worry at all costs.

The last straw, and when I saw the light, was a Dateline or 20/20 show about halogen lamps. Halogen floor lamps were big in the 90’s, and of course, we had one. The entire show was about how dangerous they are, and how many homes have burned down because of them.

I remember feeling panic in my stomach. I thought we JUST bought the lamp. Should I throw it away? Nah, nothing will happen. But what if it does? OH NO!!!

Then I saw the light, as it were. I thought, enough is enough. I am not going to sit around all day worrying about my house burning down. I will keep the lamp out of contact with the curtain, as any sane person would do anyway. Just remain calm and relaxed about it. Don't get worked up into a frenzy.

From that point forward, I quit watching these shows, and life has been much easier.

The topic has resurfaced though since having a baby. We subscribe to Parenting magazines, but not for long. The issues are filled with various things to be scared of because they will kill your baby. The thing that lit the bulb this time was an article about how basically everything in your house produces dust which can, well not kill, but cause your baby to have severe allergies. This is not a quote, but the general idea:

“There are tiny dust particles everywhere, even after you dust. These particles get into your baby’s lungs and cause allergies. You think you’re doing something good by putting a humidifier in your baby’s room? Think again. When not cleaned properly, all the humidifier does is cause mold of which the spores get into your baby’s lungs and cause asthma…” etc, etc.

At first I thought, “Oh no! I need the humidifier b/c it gets so dry in our house and baby gets sick from that , but we need to keep it clean b/c of the mold spores. I clean it, but what if it’s not clean enough? And the dust, and the cats…my baby!”

Then I got a grip. Listen, I cannot spend day in and day out worrying about the dust in my house. Dust exists. I can’t help it.

This is not to say I don’t do what I can. I do dust. Quite a bit. We vacuum. We clean. We do our best. Our very best. If it’s still not good enough, then we will all die I guess. But I’m not going to ruin my life by worrying about things I cannot control.

This is also not to say there is no value in informing the public of the dangers that may exist, of the newest studies, etc. It’s the way it’s approached that bothers me.

It’s obviously a marketing tactic for mass media. If you know there is going to be a show or article about something that might kill you or your baby, what kind of person are you if you don’t watch or buy it?

The problem is that we don’t know when it’s something to listen to or whether we should dismiss it.

It’s fine to be informed and to file things away in your “need to know” drawer. It’s quite another to worry about your very life and the life of your child over an ink ball pen or a lamp! They don’t have to say it that way, like your house will burn down if you don’t do such and such. Just because it happened to even 50 people doesn’t mean it will happen to you.

Shitty things happen and they always will. There is a difference between a freak accident, and things we could really prevent.

The public buys into this fear factor philosophy, which is why it sells so well. I can't tell you how many forwarded e-mails I get telling me to fear the gas station, the supermarket, the priest, not to mention the fact that if I don't forward the e-mail to 20 people within 20 minutes, I obviously have no friends, I obviously do not care, and I am generally cursed for life. Talk about a scare tactic!

So seriously, where is the line? I refuse to live my life scared as shit over everything that could burn my house down. At the same time, I do not want to ignore important information that could possibly save my loved ones’ lives. Who are what are the valid sources? Who can I trust?

Shaken, Not Stirred, sure. But Shaken, not Wiped?

I am an only child. This means, duh, I do not have brothers and sisters.

I did a lot of babysitting, but that’s not the same as watching your mother take care of a sibling every day.

I helped my grandma babysit my cousins, but the following subject never came up.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Education on What Happens at the Toilet
Or “Another Great Topic for Dinner Conversation!”

I am a woman, and I know what women do and don’t do on the toilet. They do not stand to pee. They sit. There are always exceptions, but I’m talking about the norm here. And I’m going to be talking about the norm throughout this essay.

So, women sit. We’re clear on that. No matter what we’re doing on said toilet, we sit (or squat if in public).

Another thing that women do: We wipe. No matter what has come out of what orifice, we wipe it nice and clean and dry. A sort of analogy to a famous saying men use for men at the toilet: If you wipe too long, then you’re just playing with it (but women are not so apt to play with it on the toilet. I’m not saying it hasn’t been done, but most women are of the opinion that the toilet is not the place to be. We want to do our business, and then hightail it out of there. Men seem to love it there, which is why it takes them twice as long to finish poo’ing and why they like to read encyclopedias in there. It’s their escape! So..very…sad.) Regardless, we wipe.

Unless we notice after the fact that there is no tp and then we are forced to drip dry, which never works very well, now does it?

So, women sit. Women wipe. Yay for Women.

Men.

My logic always told me that if women wipe, men must wipe, too. Of course they do for their sit down function (again, the majority here), but for the standing, they’d wipe, too, right? I mean, they just peed, so why wouldn’t they wipe it nice and dry? Sure, they’ve got some extra tubing, but does how long the tube is really matter? Sure, the end of the tube is farther away from a man’s body than a woman’s, but it’s still their body – the opening is still at the end of their body. I know “it” sometimes has its own mind and personality, but when they say that they are just making excuses - it is still part of their body.

Imagine my amazement when I discovered at the age of 22 that men didn’t wipe after all. Huh, whaddya know? They shake it! It’s a whole procedure where they sort of squeeze it to the end, and then flop that puppy around like there’s no tomorrow.

I see some faulty logic here:

1) No amount of shaking is going to get it nice and dry. Women know this, hence, we do not shake our ass all around trying to get it dry. Just imagine!

2) The toilet bowl is not so big and the men are not so accurate that they can aim the droplets produced by their shaking directly into the commode. Hence, the huge mess that most men make on the toilet bowl and the surrounding area.

My husband happens to be a very clean person. We do not have piss all around our toilet. However, I do tend to find a mess of piss on the rim when I lift the lid to clean it. He can’t ever see it, of course, being that he’s standing the whole time and too busy aiming his wiener. He does wipe the rim off most of the time though – I’ll give him that, but wouldn’t it be easier just to wipe the sausage in the first place?

3) Related to 1) , without wiping it, they are going to get little droplets of piss on their underwear. I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it. I know. Maybe not everytime, maybe not everyone, but it is possible.


I propose that men everywhere stop with the shaking and take just one square of toilet paper and dab that baby. I think you would like the results of this much better. You’d get it nice and dry, your underwear wouldn’t get a little dab of piss on it, our toilets would be cleaner, and when you come to bed, I would not feel a little wetness or piss droplets on my leg.

Plus, if you want my mouth anywhere near it, I’d prefer no urinal residue, thank you very much, or I’d at least like the residue to be minimized. I don’t like the thought of the piss only being shaken off the stick followed by being placed anywhere near my body. I mean, I’d prefer a full body bath beforehand actually, but, one can’t get too picky about these things or one would be considered an uptight bitch.

I wondered why the little boy I babysat for when I was a teen always gave me a funny, sideways look when I made him wipe it. I didn’t know! He is probably in therapy now because of me.

On that note, do I teach my son to “shake it” or what? “Okay, honey, now, just slowly squeeze it to the end and now…..SHAKE IT! YAY!! SHAKE IT LIKE CRAZY!! YOU GET ALL THAT PEE OFF OF THERE! Good boy!!!”, and then do I have to physically show him? I suppose with a little boy in training, he would just have to jiggle it a little or something. But he really won’t be using toilet paper for this??? Sounds like a job for hubby. Oh my.

Pill Popping, aka Swallowing

Why is it that at 36 years old, I still cannot swallow pills well?

I have to drink milk in order to take pills. Nothing else works. Then no one can be in the room while I attempt my feat of pill swallowing. Especially Matt - he cannot watch me. I just cannot swallow with him staring at me [insert dirty joke here]. It's weird.

Even when alone finally, I sit there with the pill on the back of my tongue for what seems like forever, bobbing my head up and down trying to get my throat to accept this foreign object (more dirty jokes popping up in my head, but I'm not talking about that).

Once I finally swallow [hee - I can't get past that word!), half the time, the stupid thing turns completely sideways, wherein I can feel it slowly slide down my food tube inch by painful inch, until it becomes lodged somewhere between my throat and my stomach, forcing me to drink a gallon of milk to get it completely down. What's the deal with that?

The other half of the time, I swallow it completely wrong, it doesn't make it past the back of my throat, and I end up gagging and sort of puking it back up, and all the outer coating has rubbed off and it's all gross and stuff.

The culprit pill of the moment is my prescription prenatal vitamins, which I still take for breastfeeding purposes. I take one every day, and every day, it's a battle. They are not small, but they are not the biggest pills I've ever taken, and at least they are coated with that slimy stuff that makes them a tad easier to swallow (cuz you know, slimy=more swallowable).

I once tried to take these calcium pills clearly made for horses, and with no good coating. Forget about it. After 2 or 3 days of trying to force those suckers down, I gave up, and upped my milk consumptin instead.

So, how old am I again? Am I going to have to crush my pills or take all liquid medicine? Do we need to wrap my pills up in a treat like we do for the dog? Geesh.

Santa Claus Freaks Me Out

A post holiday note: Santa Claus freaks me out.

Actually, I need to rephrase this: The people who play Santa Claus freak me out.

I mean, c'mon...I am very joyous around the holidays. I love Yuletide cheer, the Three Spirits of Christmas, Frosty, Rudolph, and Santy Claus.

Being childless for years, I haven't paid much attention to all of this kid stuff for a while, but this year after having a baby, I did pay attention.

I have something over on the kids (SPOILER TO FOLLOW: ALL CHILDREN YOUNG AND OLD, PLEASE STOP READING THIS AND GO TO BED):




I know that these are just men dressed up like Santa Claus. I'm not saying there isn't a Santa Claus, but these men are not it.

And they freak me out b/c I can see the man behind the mask, or the beard, as it were. I just see this guy who wants to put my little boy on his lap. What if he's a sex offender? Isn't this a sex offender's dream job?

Now, if it's one of those old guys with a real beard who is actually fat and really looks like Santa Claus, then that's cool, especially if he speaks Dutch and the USPS sends all the Dear Santa Claus letters to him.

But when I hand my little boy to Santa Claus, and Santa proceeds to stare down my tits and then maybe even flirt with me b/c obviously my 4 mo. old can't say what he wants yet, then my shit do be freaked. From Santa, I don't want any flirty conversation or any indication of your sexuality. I want HO HO HO and good cheer and jolliness and maybe even some real elves running about. I'd even take Will Ferrell's version of an Elf. At least have Mrs. Claus around to keep Santa in check. Don't we all need to keep our husbands in check from time to time? Santa is no different. I don't want to be reminded that Santa has a penis. EWWW. I want him to be more like a Ken doll - penis-less.

On a side note, I'm starting to watch children's shows now, and I much prefer cartoons, computer animation, or at least kids playing characters. Adults acting like children or imaginary child-like characters don't do it for me. Like the Doodlebops - they also freak my shit out...And all those grown men who sing funny songs in between shows on Nickelodeon. Go away, you freakity freak freak. I don't want to clap my hands or stomp my feet while you play your guitar, dreaming of rock n roll stardom - a day come and gone for you. Begone, and bring me a cartoon. :)

IFHIWPUFLIPOW

The letters in the title do stand for something. Only my mind holds the key. I'm sure I will forget what it stands for by tomorrow. Or in a couple of minutes.

I am a snob when it comes to these things in e-mail/chat, etc. I have singled out LOL and any variation of ROTF as incredibly annoying shortcuts. I don't think it's so much because they are shortcuts, but more because of what they stand for.

Laughing Out Loud. Okay, fair enough. And never mind it took me a whole year back in 1998 to figure out what the fuck LOL meant. (I could have asked, but I considered it a challenge to figure it out on my own. I actually thought it was Lots of Laughs for some time).

The problem is, it's overused. Really, how often do people Laugh Out Loud? Not all humor is Laugh Out Loud funny. LOTIBNOL should be used more, probably (Laughing On The Inside But Not Out Loud).

Plus, people are just abusing the hell out of it, LOL. I hate getting up in the mornings, LOL. I started a new workout today, LOL. I had some toast for breakfast, LOL. I may go to the mall tomorrow, LOL. After a while, one starts to ignore the LOLs, just like the boy who cried, "Wolf!", LOL.

Then to add an extra element of madness, we decide to volunteer the fact that we are rolling on the floor, sometimes even laughing our ass off! Really? Is it really that funny? And where did that idea come from? In regular conversation, I'm not sure I've ever said, oh my gawd! I'm rolling on the floor laughing my ass off!

I get that it's supposed to be a visual. You are supposed to visualize the person you are talking to LOLROTFLMAO. Whatever happened to: "You are so funny. You make me laugh". That's about 10 too many letters for the busy folk to type, I suppose.

Strangely enough, I am totally cool with BTW, OMG (in moderation), B/C, and using "4" in place of for(e), such as 4wrd and b4hand. I think it's just because those are just ways to shorten words, not ways to convey to your reader what you are doing. BRBGTP or HTP or whatever it is should be banned (telling people you'll be back b/c you have to pee. TMI! [another one I approve of, although people say "too much information" too much in general. The pregnancy boards were full of them. "ok, tmi, but...". Yes, yes, practically everything to do with pregnancy has to do with the uterus, vagina, and other female body parts. We get it. Now, get on with telling me that you have lots of discharge, just like me, so I can feel better about my medical condition based on the fact that a random stranger posted on a message board]).

Finally, I do have to give 5 stars to the use of smiley faces, even though it is also a way to convey what the typist is doing. It's okay to say I'm smiling. You don't need to know what I'm doing on the floor.

I totally overuse smiley faces, mostly because I'm so sarcastic and jokey, and I want to MAKE SURE that people know I'm KIDDING. I've been burned before, and it is hard to properly convey meaning in the written word. So, :) it is. If I'm really being over the line, then :))))) it is. If I want to flirt AND say I'm kidding, then it's ;). Let's don't leave out when I'm sad. :(

I draw the line at the overuse of emoticons. I find them to be extremely distracting. And too cutesy. :))))

I must confess that I am not always smiling or winking when I type :) or ;), but without a web cam, my reader will never know. :)))))))))))))))) Maybe I should use: :I, B :) OTI. Blank facial expression, But smiling On The Inside.