I was disturbed by some events at my 2 year-old son's preschool today. I should preface this by saying it's nothing major. I would have taken him right out of there if it was something like that. I should also say that I am very picky and anal about things, and want my way, and I realize this.
He has been crying the last couple of days when I go to leave him at preschool. He is fine when we walk in and when I am signing him in, and then as I am about to leave, he cries that he does not want me to leave. It's odd b/c he has been fine going and hasn't cried at preschool in ages. I do know that kids go through these periodic stages sometimes, where they will randomly cry even though they were previously happy in the same situation. So I'm keeping that in mind.
You can watch through a 2-way mirror at Jude's school, where you can see them but they can't see you. When he cries, I like to watch until he stops crying, for my own peace of mind. He did stop crying, but he looked sad. He played with toys, but he just had this sad, resigned look on his face. Nothing like he is at home.
So I stopped by at lunch today, for more peace of mind. I wanted to see him happy and playing like he normally does.
When I get there, it is story time. The teacher is reading, and the kids are all listening intently. Like really concentrating. Cute!
Then it's lunch time. They must have a procedure where they dismiss the kids by 1s or 2s to go wash their hands for lunch. Jude washes his hands, and goes to sit down at the table to eat. A few seconds later, another little kid wants his seat (before Jude has actually sat down). They struggle a bit, until the teacher says something (it's hard to hear thru the window), then Jude goes and sits in another chair. I don't know what the deal is with that...unless they have assigned seats which I doubt. I do realize that I am going to be defensive on behalf of my kid.
I am most bothered by what happened when they were done eating. Apparently, they want some kind of order, which I can understand. So they tell each kid, after they are done eating, to go wash their hands and go potty. If they try to stand up b4 that, they make them sit down until it's their turn.
Jude is picking at his food by the end, as he will do. He keeps trying to get up though. The asst teacher keeps telling him to sit down. She asks him if he is done. He shakes his head no. So she pushes him back up to the table in his chair. I notice she is doing this all very coldly and abruptly. Not mean exactly, but in a matter-of-fact, taking care of business, kind of attitude. Like the way you would organize things, not people.
Later, Jude tries getting up again, she looks at him and says very rudely, as if she is talking to a grown person who had told her one thing but meant another: "Are you DONE Jude." and I left the question mark out on purpose, b/c she said it as a statement. He lamely shakes his head yes. So she takes his food away (that part is okay, just trying to give the play-by-play).
And then he has to sit there like, for fucking ever. (starting to feel upset now as I type this...) No, it wasn't that long, but more than a few minutes. You know how toddler time works, and how a short amount of time seems like a long time to them. He kept trying to get up, and she kept telling him to sit down. And he just had to sit there.
Here's the thing: I understand and appreciate order and procedure. I really do. But it is equally important for me for a child, especially my child, to have love and compassion in his life. You can be loving and still have a firm hand. I think it is asking a lot to ask a toddler to just sit there. No food, no toys, no book, no stimulation, no nothing. He looked sad and bored. It broke my heart! Why does he have to sit there? She was making other kids sit down, too, not just Jude. She would forcibly (not abusively, but authoritatively), put kids back in their chair if they wouldn't listen. Does Jude even understand why they are being this way? To another kid, this asst. teacher practically yelled. "Grace! SIT IN YOUR SEAT!!".
All the while she was running around cleaning up, while the main teacher was assisting kids in the bathroom. So it wasn't like she was just sitting there, yelling. I was getting frustrated when other kids were allowed to get up and not Jude. I was practically cheering for the kid!
I understand it must be quite a job to care for ten 2-year olds, to clean up after all of them. I suppose you can't be lovey dovey all day long. And these are not *their* kids, after all.
He was FINALLY allowed to get up (I was almost cheering for him to get up whether she liked it or not!), and I stayed until I saw him comfortably rested in his cot for his nap. The asst. teacher did tuck him in, although I could not hear what she said, and he was allowed to get his stuffed animal rabbit.
So many thoughts:
1) I don't know what is really to be expected, or what is needed, at a preschool, versus what I provide as a parent at home.
2) On that note, I know I am grouchy with Jude from time to time. I won't be tonight though! But I don't place unrealistic expectations on him, like making him sit in a chair doing nothing for no reason (or if there is a reason, I would tell him...and I don't know if they have told the kids why...)
3) And on that note, maybe it was an off day for this teacher. We all have off days. I know this.
4) Maybe it was the timing. Right at lunch, right into potty, right into nap...maybe some order is needed. Maybe everyone is tired by then. Maybe things are more playful and joyful at other times of the day.
5) Do I expect too much, as a mother, as a first-time mother? I really don't know, but I'm sure there is some of that.
6) And what are my options? Another preschool is one. Staying home is another. Talking to this preschool director is yet another. Do I have a legitimate complaint? "they are being mean and I want the teachers to be more lovey" Is that legit?? Are we just talking personality differences here?
He used to be in the younger twos room, where the main teacher was loving and I felt good about Jude being there. Although it's worthwhile to add that the asst teacher in that room was much like this one.
He moved to the older twos room in February, and although I already knew the teachers from having gone to this preschool, this is the first time I observed Jude in this room in the middle of the day.
I hope they are not like that with Jude all day long. No wonder he doesn't want to go, if that is the case. I don't know though...they tell me he gives good hugs, so I know hugging is going on. and he seemed content at the story time I saw, although not ecstatically happy...but why would he be during story time? It's concentrate and listen time. And wind down time.
Here's the other thing: I mean, you know, I spoil him a bit with love and affection, as he is my only child. I love to cuddle and love on him, although as I said, I have my moments where I have to get things done, or when he tests my patience and I'm more grouchy. I can't expect the same love from a teacher as from me, his mother. Further...maybe it is important for him to be in an environment where he is not necessarily doted on and paid special attention to all day (I know he is at least not being neglected). There are other lessons to learn in life and other important things for Jude's well-being. He doesn't need to be spoiled all the time.
And as I said, no one was outright mean really (for my tastes, yes, but objectively speaking, no) or abusive to him. As I said, I would have pulled him right out if I saw something abusive. I just cringed a little...just b/c it was odd to just make him keep sitting in a chair like that, and I don't do that at home. I sort of did want to go in and hug him. But...this is school, not home. But that fact also makes me sad b/c he will be in school until he's 18 or older...does it have to start this young?
He has learned so much at this preschool, and otherwise, and aside from the last two mornings, he seems to really enjoy it. If I still have any readers out there, I would appreciate advice.
